Operation Schedule: FAILURE

What was a thinking? I can try as hard as I want, but she'll never escape my mind... I woke up at 8:00 today, but went back to sleep cuz I had a dream about her and didn't want to get up. I finally woke up at 9:30, in time to make it to my Human Sexuality class. She called me. I bit my lip and didn't budge to answer it. Then she called again. I knew something had to be wrong, so I jetted out of class, and listened to the voice mails she left. Rewind to yesterday, I had made the decision that she'd be better off without me. I told her goodbye, and though it hurt me more than I could explain, all I want is for her to happy, and with the situation she's in, all I was doing was hurting her. I have so many emotions inside I want to tell her, but can't bring myself to cuz it would tear her apart, and make her feel too guilty to even speak to me again. So I stuff it down. FFW to today. I listen to the messages and she's crying telling me how she misses me, and all the things we used to do, and how bad she wanted to see me. I couldn't help it, I immediately called her, and we talked. She wanted me to come up to Oregon to see her. To sweep her off her feet. To be with her again. Then somewhere between the crying and reminiscing, it all changed. She told me she was sorry for calling, then hung up. I called back, talked to her, and I could tell you every little detailed that went on, but the bottom line is... She regretted calling and telling me what she did because she didn't mean it. I put down my guard, opened myself up, let in the feelings of optimism, and then BAM! it was ripped away from me yet again. You'd think by now that I've learned, but to tell you the truth, I'd fall for it every time, I can't help it. I couldn't really concentrate the rest of the day. I had it in my mind to go to Glory Days, and Border's, and all that, but remembered I had my friends concert to go to tonight, and basically my schedule fell apart. How can you live by a schedule when nothing is ever set in stone. You could have your mind set on going to a movie, but if your car breaks down, it's not going to happen. Screw it... I have no choice but to live everyday day by day. Whatever happens happens. Everything happens for a reason. The problem is, I can't do anything without seeing her. It'll be a month tomorrow. And everyday for the past month, I've thought, dreamed and cried about her... And I don't see it getting better anytime soon. But at least she's happy right?