Too Good To Be True

I didn't go to sleep last night. I stayed up trying to get my mind off stuff by making a MySpace layout for a friend... Finally at 8 AM in the morning I decided to hit the sack. I woke up at 10:30 PM, and like my usual routine, I check my phone. 4 messages from Martha. She misses me, she dedicates "Broken" by Secondhand Serenade to me, she's sorry for everything she's done. Every sad/depressed/upset/negative fiber in my body instantly was lifted off my chest... But I stopped. Something felt wrong, did her new boyfriend steal her phone? Is she trying to get a rise out of me? I asked her and she told me those messages were meant for me. Today we would have been together for 2 years and 6 months... so I figured the day struck her, and she missed me, and wanted me back... Typing this blog 12 hours later... You don't realize how badly I wish that that was the case. We spent a few hours texting eachother... reliving old memories... talking about our feelings... and then she said it... "I still love you." Something still didn't feel right... thoughts in the back of my head kept telling me, "Don't be so sure..." "Don't be so optimistic..." She told me that she wasn't sure about him and her... she feels a certain way, but she's not sure he feels the same... IT'S BEEN A WEEK!!! It hurts me so bad even typing it... but I'm trying to get these thoughts off my chest... I typed a long text message to her telling her how I felt about her... how much I love her, and miss her, and care about her... and it seemed like she was falling for me again... then it all changed. She started bringing up rough times in our relationship, pointing out how she loved me so much, but I let her down... And from then on out, it was me trying to defend myself. It seemed like she took back everything she said earlier in the day... She loves him more than she ever loved me... But I tried to convince her she's all that matters to me, and I'd do everything in my power to make her happy... But it felt like I was talking to a wall... Things settled... and I asked a few questions that I really regret asking... I'm not gonna type them, because I'm hoping I forget... I'm so hurt... I opened myself up today, and then was slammed in the chest by a sledge hammer... But it's my mistake... I should have listened to my instincts... But I dug deeper and deeper hoping I'd find something I thought was there... but was let down even more. I'm emotionally back where I started... I feel like she left me all over again... it's so hard to keep my composure... and I'm scared... I haven't eaten a meal in over a week... I've lost 12 pounds... I don't feel healthy... I'm constantly feeling woosie... I'm killing myself... while the both of them have a huge smile on their face... What am I doing to myself?

My Worst Mistake Or My Best Decision?

Everything happens for a reason. It's going to be tough, but I'm going to let life take its course... Last night I made an attempt to get a hold of Martha to let her know my position on everything... She in return sent me a picture of her and her new boyfriend kissing... If a girl ever reads this, which I highly doubt, beings only 1 guy reads this... I'm sure she feels that Martha had every right to send me that picture... It's what I deserve for not letting her go. Whether you agree or disagree with what she did, I feel it was ruthless. She in return felt it was rude. At least that what she texted me saying. Her boyfriend had "peer-pressured" her into doing it. She told him that she wanted to be friends with me, and he said it was alright even though he knew I would try to get her back. She needs permission to talk to people. Never... EVER in the 2 and a half years we were going out did I tell her who she should and shouldn't talk to... And that's what she wants? Anyways... I told her upfront that yes... I couldn't help but try to get her back, so I decided that we should never talk again. I told her I would want nothing more than for her to text me or call me but only if I was more or if she wanted me to be more than a friend. I told her I couldn't take back everything I gave her, cuz the best way for me to deal with this is to put her in the back of my mind... I won't lie, there will always be a part of me that hopes and prays she'll come back, but with how far she's gone to hurt me... Even if she regained feelings for me, I don't think she'd tell me... I told her all I wanted back was the phone and the key to my house. I told her to please not contact me, but she did asking me if she can keep the phone... that I can cancel the plan, but if she could keep the phone. I don't know what to do... She never liked that phone... It's basically broke, the only reason I think she wants it is for the memory card on the phone and all the pictures she probably took of her and him on it... I feel like saying screw it... keep the phone have fun... but I don't even want to think about it... I feel so sick to my stomach... Since Tuesday, I've probably had 3 mouth fulls of food... I'm not hungry, and when I force myself to get something in, my stomach turns... I'm hoping all this will pass... All I have is my faith and my sliver of optimism that she will some back, and maybe that's what's doing me in...

Turning Over A New Leaf

I made the last post white... if you want to read it highlight over it... I can't stand to read it cuz it just brings it back...

Lately I've been feeling weird... I can't seem to describe it. My arm goes numb... my palms start to sweat, my heart beat races, I get light headed... I went to the doctors before and they told me that it might be an anxiety attack... But why? Until now I had no worries... I was getting my life back on track, I still had my girlfriend, didn't have a job to worry about, had more money than I needed... Nothing was wrong. He checked my heart and told me I had... I forgot what it was called (also that's something else... my memory isn't holding up as well as it used to)... but anyways, he said I had extra space in one of my heart valves... But something tells me it's not my heart... I think it's my brain. Your brain is powerful, it can make you see, think, hear, smell, feel things that aren't there... The numbness... the memory loss... the headaches... Maybe something in my brain is even triggering random panic attacks.. I don't know, but I'm going to the doctors on Feb. 5th, and hopefully I'll get some answers... I haven't been able to deal with it since my birthday on Sept. 10th of last year because I wasn't in school and didn't have a full time job, so I had no insurance... Now that I do, I'm making sure that whatever is wrong with me, I know what it is. It scares me...

My worst and greatest fear is death, and to go along with me being a hypochondriac... it doesn't help that I always think I'm dying... But some things aren't coincidence. As of late I don't believe in coincidences anymore... I believe everything happens for a reason. For along time I pushed away God. Mostly because of how people portrayed him. I believe God created us, but there are things careless about. A boxer who wins the title "God was on my side tonight." No, you got a lucky punch and won. A baby is born handicapped, and it's "God's fault", no... the mother did drugs while she was pregnant with him. My cousin is pregnant and she smokes constantly, and no one cares to tell her to stop. When I first saw it, I had the impression that she smoked only when she had intense urges... once every 2 weeks, but no... She smokes like a smoker... a pack a day... Disgusting... I'm straying away from the subject, but the bottom line for me is I was to invest all of myself into Jesus Christ. For too long I've turn my shoulder to him, and wouldn't care or think there would be any consequences for my sins, but now I see there are. I believe there are no coincidences, therefor I believe God took Martha away from me because of my ways. This is my punishment for turning my back on God, and I think if I can somehow change my ways, and be a better Christian, God will bless my life, and bring Martha back to me. I want her more than anything... but if God feels it's not my will to have her, she's not a part of my destiny on earth, I will still have the passion, compassion, and faith with my God. I pray to him that he will bring Martha back to me, that he will show her the happiness and joy we shared, and show her the way back to me. I know her boyfriend just views her as a "hot older girlfriend" and he has no comprehension of how beautiful she is both inside and out. But I do, I love her. I love God, and I trust in what God has planned for me, I just hope and pray that God's plan for me is to be with, start a family, and grow old with the love of my life...

Wonder What's Next...

Today my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me.

On Saturday, she went to a church camp and was there until Monday. She had met a guy there named Hunter... a 15 year old that lives an hour away from her house. She told me that she had feelings for him and she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, and just be friends with me. I tried my hardest to convince her that she was making a pretty ridiculous decision, but she didn't want to hear anything I was saying.

At this point, I don't know what to do... with the death of my rabbit not too long ago, now this... I'm depressed. I love her so much. 2 and a half years is a long time, and to through it all away for someone she knew for 2 days. How well can you know someone in 2 days... you can't. I don't wanna give up, I want to keep trying, but she seems so set on doing this, I feel there's no point in even attempting... Call this blog and even me EMO is you want, but this is true life. This shit happens. Gangsters get dumped and heartbroken, label me and this blog all you want, but this is real life. My life. I feel torn up inside, I'm scared cuz now I have no one. My life and future was laid out with her. All the time and money I invested in her and this relationship was, in the end, for nothing. I hear everyone say "I'll never get over her, she was the one..." even I've said that in the past about ex's, but her... she was the one... And even if I do find someone else, I'm afraid because I know that no one will ever be like her. I remember when I was maybe 8 or 9, me and my sister were playing, and we both wrote a list of the perfect girlfriend./boyfriend. And I remember what I wrote stuck with me, even to this day. And she... she met every single criteria on that list. I can't let her go, I need to do something. I don't want to be desperate, but I am... I'm in love with her.

We'd always tell each other we'd love each other "forever and for always"... just like every couple, I know... I don't know... I really don't... It's hard to keep it together... to even type this... I just needed to let it out, to see if it would help, but it makes it worse. Fuck my life. My pet dies... my relationship dies... Wonder what's next...

B.B.

I remember it like yesterday... 4th grade, Mr. R's class... We were aloud to pick any book we wanted to read. I chose Shilo. One of my favorite books until of course... I grew up, but none the less. Since reading it, I've always had my mind set on owning a Beagle. FFW 15 years to a few months ago. I was in Oregon hanging out with my girlfriend. We were talking over our plans for the future... school, job, a home... and then it hit me... I'M GOING TO BUY A BEAGLE! At my house down here in California, we already have too many... a dog, two cats, two lizards, a ferret, two rabbits, and countless fish... of course that's now, we used to have another ferret, two rats, and two guinea pigs... but anyways... I figured since I'm going to be on my own, I can get a dog for me... So I got right on it, looking online, at pet stores, yellow pages, white pages, green pages, red pages... every and anywhere I could think of... Then! I found Bobcat Pets who had two 4 month old Beagles, a boy and a girl... I got in my car and raced over there as fast as I could. The girl looked just like Shilo but the boy didn't. FFW to check-out... I chose the boy! We named it B.B. and even though he didn't look like Shilo, he was still my little Beagle Baby.

I hate that dog. I truly mean it... I despise him... I would sell him, but then I'd regret sending him to a home where he'd be living in a good enviorment and treated nicely.

Tonight he killed my rabbit, Toby. Toby was a son of a bitch... always biting my wires and pooping all over the house, but he's been with us long enough to be a part of the family. B.B. would chase him all over the house because Beagle's are hunting dogs, but we'd yell at him, and tap his butt and tell him no. For a short while he had stopped, we thought he'd got the picture, but while me and my dad were shopping, he was home alone with the rabbit, and when we got home, laying on the floor, mangled with his eyes still open... was my dead rabbit. Fuck you B.B.

The Aftermath

So we had the jam session... Took a while to set up, and once we set up, we kinda went blank with what to do... It was Joel on drums, Earick on guitar, and me on bass. After a while, I let Joel and Earick take over, and they jammed pretty good together. We really should do it again sometime, but come in with a game plan. FFW>> Me and Earick // Earick and I get some Coffee Bean, and we talk about random stuff like a time machine that blew up and crap... Now I'm home about to go to bed... OH! Funny story... I was on the phone with my girlfriend on my way back from dropping off Earick, and she made a grunting sound, and I asked her what it was, and she told me she had spilt something... and I said "No... I bet some guy is eating you out!" and she replies with, "WOW! No..." and I asked her if anyone heard me, and she said her parents (who are deep hardcore Christians). Because her phone is broke and she can only hear if it's on speaker phone... So I hung up... sucks... Whatever... I'm done.

As Today Goes...

So today is jam session day. Sweet! But who knows... maybe some one will flake... who know? Anyways.. I've recently come back from Oregon, so I have all my stuff piled in my room, so I need to clean it, and it sucks. My sister has her huge dresser in my room because she was living in here while I was gone. Anyways... I think I shall return to cleaning, and give you an update on how the junt junt went.

First Post

Hello. Well I haven't had a blog in over 5 years. Nothing much has happened much since then... girlfriends came and went... friends came and went... birthdays... graduation... all the usual stuff that occurs during and after high school. Now college... which starts next tuesday... woohoo... can't wait. Actually I can. I despise college. If your reading this and aren't in college yet, then heed my warning... DO NOT GO TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE!!! It is a waste of money and time. You'll spend 3 years taking classes you don't need that the government demands you take to be a "well-rounded" student. Screw that. Your well rounded coming out of high school. For example... I wish to major in Business, yet I have to take 3 years of "general ed's" just to transfer to a University and finally take the courses I need for my major. Anthropology? Biology? History of Reconstruction? A tremendous waste of time. I'm noticing as I type, I'm not getting a red underline letting me know I misspelled a word... bummer, I guess there's gonna be a bunch...

Well anyways... onto today, since this is today's blog... Wow... I took a second to think of what I was gonna type about today... and a lot of stuff happened today... So I'll just do a FFW version of it... I woke up at 6:30 because I had to go to court today, went to court, got screwed into paying a fine I shouldn't have to... Almost hit a girl, ran a red light, ate pho, took $1,000 out of my account to pay my dad back, he didn't take the money, went to Fingerprints and bought 3 CD's (ones stuck in my CD player and won;t come out... another really sucks and I wasted $1.99 on it), bought snacks, went to sleep because I had eaten too much pho, woke up, watched TV, went to Denny's with my friends [GEA], came home, heard about this site from my friend, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then... typed this up... TA-DA! Now I'm going to continue to illegally download music (just kidding)... just kidding about just kidding... no really just kidding, just kidding.... AND THEN EAT CANDY!!! Good night folks!