Another Dream

After 5 days they came back... I finally thought they were gone... Why do they have to be so real? When I used to have dreams when I was younger, I'd be talking to animals and jumping over houses, but now... They're so vivid and real... And bring back so many memories... I try to take 1 step forward, but these dreams put me 10 steps back... I see her smile... I hear her laugh... I feel her soft touch... I taste her sweet lips... I smell the Glammorazzi perfume I bought her for Christmas... And then I crack... I break down... All while she's 1,000 miles away... happy... with him...

I've never felt so empty
So hurt
So unsure of what to do
Where to go
How to act and react to all of this
I've never felt this pathetic in my entire life

The Convo. The End.

— Ok. Well im sorry for bugging you so much... I swear i'll leave you alone... IM probably making this hard on you. Im really sorry

— I'm hurt. And I can't believe you'd ever do this

— I know i'm sorry...

— How can you say your sorry... You left me... Never gave me a chance... Just goodbye

— K. Well then i don't know what to say. I feel like dying

— Why did you leave me? For him so soon... We had so much together... You knew him for days... And chose him over me... And when i thought you could see what you did, you still rather be with him... And i'm crushed... I feel like dying... And when i needed you... You took off with him... I was crying so hard cuz it hurts me so bad... I've felt like my heart and chest is caved in every single day... I love you and can't believe you'd do this

— What do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave you alone and never talk to you again?

— I did and gave you everything i could... I tried to be perfect... Yes i messed up.. You messed up too.. He messes up... But you broke my heart... And rubbed in in... And replaced me so fast

— K.

— I want you to want me... To remember everything we had and how much i meant to you...

— I know how much you meant to me...

— You miss me... You know you do... A part of you still wants to be with me... Think of how we'd be if you never went to camp... He would have never been in your life and we'd be happy...

— I know... But not entirely happy... I'd be lonely and you'd be having the time of your life in cali while i was here hurting missing you and feeling like shit

— I still mean the same to you... I love you... You love me... You care about me...

— I know. You still mean a lot to me...

— Your lonely still... He's not always there... And when he is there He's not always there cuz There's certain things he puts before you... That's why you call me... I love you... It killed me when i wasn't with you... I was lonely too... Like i am now... But you don't care cuz now your having the time of your life... We had evetything planned out... We had over 2 years together... And left like in the blink of an eye... Then rubbed it in... What happened you? You loved me... You cared... Now you hate me and i don't know why cuz i did everything i could to makr you happy...

— I don't hate you and im sorry for rubbing it in...

— Why did you choose him over me... After everything you told me... After everything we did... After everything we had?

— I don't know... Pretty stupid of me, probably why i did it. Cuz im a dumb bitch

— Everytime you needed me i was there... No matter what, when, where, how, why... Even when he wasn't... Even when he isn't... What did i do to deserve this

— I don't know what to say... I don't know what I can say... I don't know what I can say...

— Why him? Just why... I was your prince... Your pooh bear... Your mister noodle... Now i'm dead to you and he's your everything... I don't understand

— It didn't send all the way

— Then come back... Take me back... Let me be your everything again... I want you... I can't live without you... I want to love you care for you for the rest of my life... Let me... Love me

— Hello? I didn't get the whole text

— I was good to you... You make me out to be a selfless asshole to make you and him believe he's so much better... I've given and sacrifised so much for you... Was there for you... Did everything i could... I've put more into you and our relationship than he will ever be able to... He love's you... Nice way of showing it... I did more than saying it... I showed it... For 2 and a half years and counting... I'm really tired of comparing myself to him cuz allthat you say is i don't know him and whatever... Fine... But i hope you see... Everything i've done for you... I loved you... I cared... And none of it matters to you but i hope someday you will

— I hope that someday you can forgive me for this... I don't expect you to and i know you don't even think im truly sorry but i am... And i don't have a single doubt in my mind that you didn't give it your all or love me with all your heart cuz i know you did and i know how hard this is for you and im extremly sorry... I don't think i'll ever feel worse about something than i do about this... I'm sorry pooh bear

— He'll never be me... He can kiss your hand like i used to do but it won't be my lips... You can hit him when you see an out of state license plate, butit's won't be my shoulder... You can make love to him, but when you look up it won't be my face... And it hurts me that your okay with that... The pain i feel is unbearable and you'll never understand how much you hurt me... You not only left me, but you hot with him a day after... And told me and him you didn't care about me anymore... And then you send me the picture... How can you tell me you didn't mean to hurt me when you clearly did? I really didn't understand what i did to deserve this from you... What i did for you to tear me apart limb from limb and break my heart into a thousand pieces... And i hope your flying in the cluds cuz with how you treated me i sure in the hell hope your feeling pure ecstacy.. Cuz i did everything i could to make you happy.. And you told me you were...

— Ok. Fine. You win. Your right im wrong like always ok. Bye.

— It's not even like it... But take it how you want it... I just don't see why your with him and not me... Explain it to me... I need to understand... Tell me why him

— Cuz he's here for me... I love him, he loves me. We understand each other and need each other. He knows why i feel like shit randomly. He goes through the same things. We easily communicate with each other... God brought him into my life to help me... I need him...

— K

— It's not your fault that you weren't those things for me... You tried... I know you did

— Just stop

— K. Sorry. Bye.

— I fucking hate you... Don't ever talk to me again... Have a fantastic life with your "miracle"... You hurt me... And i will never forgive you for what you've done... I'm dying and it's never felt so good to know i'm dying alone... Goodbye and i never want to hear from you again

5 hours later, I get a text from a "concerned parent" telling me to stop harassing Martha and her boyfriend... isn't life grand!

Bitch Or No Bitch?

I've seen so many situations where a person has got the living crap beat out of them, but when they're asked what happened, they say they won. No one wants to be called a bitch. But what's a bitch? If you're standing toe-to-toe with someone willing and able to "get down" and lose... are you still a bitch? If you're too scared to fight are you a bitch? Who knows... But I know I've never backed down from a fight. I've been in a few, but never once have a backed down, and I've almost gotten into 20 or more. So in that situation, who's the bitch? The other person for not wanting to, or me for not backing down, but not forcing the fight by taking the first punch?

Tonight I had brought 3 drinks to my friends house. I drank the first one, and put the other 2 in the freezer. Someone came over and tried to take it. I told him to put it back, and he wouldn't, so I got more stern about it. Eventually he did, but the tension had started from then and lasted the whole night. He tried to squeeze in smart remarks to piss me off, but I ignored him. Then I went to go get my last beer and it was gone. I asked him if he took it, and he denied it. I asked again and he said "I didn't, but if I did, what's up?" So I asked him again if he did, he said, "No, I didn't, but if I did, I'd tell you straight up." So I let it go. Am I a bitch for letting the subject go when fully knowing the only one that could have took was him? Is he the bitch for not admitting to it to step up and see the outcome? Why did I let it go? Because I didn't think of the now. We fight I win/I lose, the end. I thought of the future.

We fight I win... The house gets trashed... My face gets bashed either way... I have to explain what happened... Bad blood is gonna be between my friends who sided with him and my friends who sided with me... The list goes on, and on...

We fight I lose... The house gets trashed... My face gets bashed... I have to get picked up off the floor... Bad blood is gonna be between my friends who sided with me and my friends who sided with him... the list goes on, and on...

I feel I'm not a bitch. I didn't back down, but I didn't fight. Because I realized a missing beer isn't worth all the consequences that would follow... A lot of people won't agree with me, and I think you all are the real bitches. Don't get me wrong, in some situations it's worth the risk, and by all means I would have cracked that dude in the face, but this time it wasn't, and I stand by my decision 100%...

I still miss her...

Operation Schedule: FAILURE

What was a thinking? I can try as hard as I want, but she'll never escape my mind... I woke up at 8:00 today, but went back to sleep cuz I had a dream about her and didn't want to get up. I finally woke up at 9:30, in time to make it to my Human Sexuality class. She called me. I bit my lip and didn't budge to answer it. Then she called again. I knew something had to be wrong, so I jetted out of class, and listened to the voice mails she left. Rewind to yesterday, I had made the decision that she'd be better off without me. I told her goodbye, and though it hurt me more than I could explain, all I want is for her to happy, and with the situation she's in, all I was doing was hurting her. I have so many emotions inside I want to tell her, but can't bring myself to cuz it would tear her apart, and make her feel too guilty to even speak to me again. So I stuff it down. FFW to today. I listen to the messages and she's crying telling me how she misses me, and all the things we used to do, and how bad she wanted to see me. I couldn't help it, I immediately called her, and we talked. She wanted me to come up to Oregon to see her. To sweep her off her feet. To be with her again. Then somewhere between the crying and reminiscing, it all changed. She told me she was sorry for calling, then hung up. I called back, talked to her, and I could tell you every little detailed that went on, but the bottom line is... She regretted calling and telling me what she did because she didn't mean it. I put down my guard, opened myself up, let in the feelings of optimism, and then BAM! it was ripped away from me yet again. You'd think by now that I've learned, but to tell you the truth, I'd fall for it every time, I can't help it. I couldn't really concentrate the rest of the day. I had it in my mind to go to Glory Days, and Border's, and all that, but remembered I had my friends concert to go to tonight, and basically my schedule fell apart. How can you live by a schedule when nothing is ever set in stone. You could have your mind set on going to a movie, but if your car breaks down, it's not going to happen. Screw it... I have no choice but to live everyday day by day. Whatever happens happens. Everything happens for a reason. The problem is, I can't do anything without seeing her. It'll be a month tomorrow. And everyday for the past month, I've thought, dreamed and cried about her... And I don't see it getting better anytime soon. But at least she's happy right?

Schedule

For the longest time, I always wanted to have a weekly tradition with friends. Weekly traditions? you ask... Well, my dad... every Monday, he used to go with friends from his work to a bar to watch Monday Night Football. Every Thursday, mt cousins would go to this sports bar to eat and watch TV. I always thought that was cool, to look forward to a certain once a week to just get away from school, and parents, and stress, and ex girlfriends... To just sit down, and hangout with your friends. Yeah... that hasn't really seemed to work, cuz my friends never have an exact day open because of work, school, personal situations... But I won't let that stop me. I'm going to try it, but in a different aspect... Even after almost a month... I've been having a really crappy time dealing with this whole Martha situation... It still hurts and always will, and I just feel that to get my mind off of it, I should think about other things. So I wanna try to live my life (as of now) on a scheduled basis and see how it goes. I spend more time doing nothing than something, and when I do nothing, my mind wanders... And I think of her... and yeah... So I'm going to try and live my life according to a weekly schedule. Tomorrow:

THURSDAY 02/19/2008
8:00 AM- Wake up/Shower
8:30 AM- Leave for school
9:00 AM- Economics class
10:30 AM- Human Sexuality class
12:00 PM- Lunch
1:00 PM- Math class
3:00 PM- English class
5:00 PM- Head home
6:00 PM- Dollar Hamburgers at Glory Days
7:30 PM- Borders
8:30 PM- Coffee Bean
9:00 PM- Freetime

Premonition vs. Paranoia

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in previous entries, but when me and Martha were together... just randomly out of the blue, I'd get an awkward feeling, which usually resulted in her wanting to break up the next day... No, not the fact that she started acting weird, at times, we wouldn't even be talking, I'd be eating dinner, and get that feeling and call her right away... I'd ask her if anything was wrong, she'd deny it... ask her again, deny, ask, deny... Then either later that night or the next day, she admit she was falling out of love me, or that she was keeping something from me... We'd work things out, and yeah yeah, but the whole point is the "weird" feeling... I feel it now... And I just have a weird feeling something bad is gonna happen to me... something BIG... Maybe it's just me taking things to excessive measures, but I don't know... I hope it's just my brain over thinking things... but what if it's not... I guess we'll just have to wait and see right...

This Past Week...

Long time no blog... I wish I could fill this entire post with how everything changed and how happy I am, but I can't. Nothing that I wanted to change did, but everything I wasn't expecting did.

I was on the Price is Right and won a motorcycle. I went up there and was so nervous, and when you spin the wheel Drew asks if you want to say hi to anyone, and I said "Hi mom, dad, Holly, Jeremy, Joel, and all my friends." I wish I could go back, cuz in my head there were millions of people I wanted to say something to... "Earick, HAHA! Should have came!" ... "Mark, I know you know all the right prices" ... and "Martha... I love you..." And I still regret not saying it... I don't know why. Part of me tells me why give her the time of day? and I don't know why... It just bugs me.

My ferret died. He was old, and lived a long time. It's sad that he's gone, cuz it was something we all knew was coming. He got slower, and slept more and more each day. His name was Fatty, and he's gonna be missed. R.I.P. Fatty.

There's so much I want to type about Martha... but I don't see the point. It doesn't do any good. I'm hurt, she's happy... I miss her. I'm pathetic. El fin.





To whoever reads this... Your gonna fight and disagree, but in the end your true friends will always be there for you. It sucks that a situation like this opened my eyes to that, but it did, so I wanted to thank every friend I have that's been there for me these past couple weeks (some more than others), but you know who you are. Thanks.