Too Good To Be True

I didn't go to sleep last night. I stayed up trying to get my mind off stuff by making a MySpace layout for a friend... Finally at 8 AM in the morning I decided to hit the sack. I woke up at 10:30 PM, and like my usual routine, I check my phone. 4 messages from Martha. She misses me, she dedicates "Broken" by Secondhand Serenade to me, she's sorry for everything she's done. Every sad/depressed/upset/negative fiber in my body instantly was lifted off my chest... But I stopped. Something felt wrong, did her new boyfriend steal her phone? Is she trying to get a rise out of me? I asked her and she told me those messages were meant for me. Today we would have been together for 2 years and 6 months... so I figured the day struck her, and she missed me, and wanted me back... Typing this blog 12 hours later... You don't realize how badly I wish that that was the case. We spent a few hours texting eachother... reliving old memories... talking about our feelings... and then she said it... "I still love you." Something still didn't feel right... thoughts in the back of my head kept telling me, "Don't be so sure..." "Don't be so optimistic..." She told me that she wasn't sure about him and her... she feels a certain way, but she's not sure he feels the same... IT'S BEEN A WEEK!!! It hurts me so bad even typing it... but I'm trying to get these thoughts off my chest... I typed a long text message to her telling her how I felt about her... how much I love her, and miss her, and care about her... and it seemed like she was falling for me again... then it all changed. She started bringing up rough times in our relationship, pointing out how she loved me so much, but I let her down... And from then on out, it was me trying to defend myself. It seemed like she took back everything she said earlier in the day... She loves him more than she ever loved me... But I tried to convince her she's all that matters to me, and I'd do everything in my power to make her happy... But it felt like I was talking to a wall... Things settled... and I asked a few questions that I really regret asking... I'm not gonna type them, because I'm hoping I forget... I'm so hurt... I opened myself up today, and then was slammed in the chest by a sledge hammer... But it's my mistake... I should have listened to my instincts... But I dug deeper and deeper hoping I'd find something I thought was there... but was let down even more. I'm emotionally back where I started... I feel like she left me all over again... it's so hard to keep my composure... and I'm scared... I haven't eaten a meal in over a week... I've lost 12 pounds... I don't feel healthy... I'm constantly feeling woosie... I'm killing myself... while the both of them have a huge smile on their face... What am I doing to myself?