Turning Over A New Leaf

I made the last post white... if you want to read it highlight over it... I can't stand to read it cuz it just brings it back...

Lately I've been feeling weird... I can't seem to describe it. My arm goes numb... my palms start to sweat, my heart beat races, I get light headed... I went to the doctors before and they told me that it might be an anxiety attack... But why? Until now I had no worries... I was getting my life back on track, I still had my girlfriend, didn't have a job to worry about, had more money than I needed... Nothing was wrong. He checked my heart and told me I had... I forgot what it was called (also that's something else... my memory isn't holding up as well as it used to)... but anyways, he said I had extra space in one of my heart valves... But something tells me it's not my heart... I think it's my brain. Your brain is powerful, it can make you see, think, hear, smell, feel things that aren't there... The numbness... the memory loss... the headaches... Maybe something in my brain is even triggering random panic attacks.. I don't know, but I'm going to the doctors on Feb. 5th, and hopefully I'll get some answers... I haven't been able to deal with it since my birthday on Sept. 10th of last year because I wasn't in school and didn't have a full time job, so I had no insurance... Now that I do, I'm making sure that whatever is wrong with me, I know what it is. It scares me...

My worst and greatest fear is death, and to go along with me being a hypochondriac... it doesn't help that I always think I'm dying... But some things aren't coincidence. As of late I don't believe in coincidences anymore... I believe everything happens for a reason. For along time I pushed away God. Mostly because of how people portrayed him. I believe God created us, but there are things careless about. A boxer who wins the title "God was on my side tonight." No, you got a lucky punch and won. A baby is born handicapped, and it's "God's fault", no... the mother did drugs while she was pregnant with him. My cousin is pregnant and she smokes constantly, and no one cares to tell her to stop. When I first saw it, I had the impression that she smoked only when she had intense urges... once every 2 weeks, but no... She smokes like a smoker... a pack a day... Disgusting... I'm straying away from the subject, but the bottom line for me is I was to invest all of myself into Jesus Christ. For too long I've turn my shoulder to him, and wouldn't care or think there would be any consequences for my sins, but now I see there are. I believe there are no coincidences, therefor I believe God took Martha away from me because of my ways. This is my punishment for turning my back on God, and I think if I can somehow change my ways, and be a better Christian, God will bless my life, and bring Martha back to me. I want her more than anything... but if God feels it's not my will to have her, she's not a part of my destiny on earth, I will still have the passion, compassion, and faith with my God. I pray to him that he will bring Martha back to me, that he will show her the happiness and joy we shared, and show her the way back to me. I know her boyfriend just views her as a "hot older girlfriend" and he has no comprehension of how beautiful she is both inside and out. But I do, I love her. I love God, and I trust in what God has planned for me, I just hope and pray that God's plan for me is to be with, start a family, and grow old with the love of my life...