Thursday - Monday

Planned to have a good night. Hanging out with my closest friends and watching the midnight viewing of Watchmen. Showed up 2 hours early to get a seat. Attempted to find a seat 3 times but was denied due to the fact that it was "taken." Whatever... there were plenty of seats, so I was able to find an empty "unassigned" seat... So as I sat there I couldn't help but feel out of place as every time I sparked up a conversation I was almost looked down on for even speaking. But whatever... So the layout was supposed to be Alley, Me, Dale, Kevin, Earick, and Wilmer in the 6 seats in the back of the theater. Then Alex comes and takes Alley's spot and is 100% determined not to move. But it's okay cuz Alley says she's not coming. Then 10 minutes before the movie starts she changes her mind. And instead of getting out of her seat, Alex has his mind set to not budge. So fuck it, I moved... All the way to the front, oh boy, what a friend I am. I then proceeded to watch a 2 and a half hour mediocre movie by myself. After the move was over I immediately took off, went home, and went to bed. I prolly won't do something like that with them again...

I wake up at 4 in the morning to catch my 6 o'clock plane ride to Oregon. My mom and dad plan to move to Oregon in 4 years to retire. My mom decided one day to start 4 years early, and went up there. My mission was to go get her and bring her back. I also went to see Martha... I had it in my mind if i saw her we would fall in love all over again, but... Martha was the one who picked me up at the airport, and I could tell from the look in her eyes she felt nothing for me. The weekend I could sum up to crying/drinking/laughing/sleeping... For so long I thought she still loved me, but after seeing her... All the love she ever had for me died. And it hurts... But now I know there's no reason for me to love her, cuz she will never love me again... I hope she's happy... Her birthday is this Wednesday... Happy Birthday Martha...

Back to my mom... During this trip I lost my mom. I really feel like I no longer have a mom... My mom is manipulated very easily, and I needed to get her away from everyone else to cloud her judgment. And after talking to her, I wish I never came. I told her how much we all miss her and want her back, and without a care or worry or remorse she just shrugged her shoulders and said things like "No you don't" .. "I hate my life with you guys" .. "I'll come visit when I feel like it" .. Visit? Home is where you live... your vising Oregon... The night before I wanted to come over, but she was playing Bingo at her sisters house. I asked if I could come over to see her (I haven't seen her in 3 months) and she fed me excuse and excuse and I finally asked her "Mom, are you choosing a game over your own son?" and she said "Yes" and started laughing... Goodbye mom... I love you...

Upon coming back to Cali, my dad told me that my motorcycle is in, so I can pick it up whenever I want... Maybe I'll go in tomorrow... He also told me he wants to take me and my sister to Laughlin, Nevada for the weekend... Why not? I need to get away. I've lost everything so fast, and I'm not sure what to do anymore... I love Martha... I love my mom... I love my friends... I love Fatty... I love Toby... And I know it won't stop. More and more will be taken from me... But why? What have I done that's so bad to where I have to be tormented by these loses and suffer over and over again... I try so hard to help out so many people... If you're my friend I'm sure I've helped you out many times, without question. I'm not perfect and don't claim to even be close to it, but I put others before myself more than I should, yet I'm the one that gets treated like I step on other people... Why?

I want to say I'm sorry for whatever I've done, but how is that a sincere apology if I don't know what I'm apologizing for... I wish I knew...