THIS IS MY BLOG

My First Father's Day

2010-06-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

Feels so surreal... I can't believe I'm a dad celebrating a holiday dedicated just for people like me... WOO! I got Martha a present for Father's Day, well a card, thanking her because I wouldn't be able to celebrate Father's Day if it wasn't for her allowing and making me a Father. :) She got me something too... She says it's from Jake, but I'm still anxious to see what it is...

Work, Baby, Sleep, Repeat

2010-06-17T01:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, so... that;s basically my life now. I get up, get ready for work, go to work, come back, help take care of Jake, go to sleep, and do it all again the next day. I can't complain because I need to work to make money, I love spending time with Jake, and well... I love to sleep, so it's all good I guess. Jake's getting so big, but gettig more fussy, lol. My mom got here a few days ago, and it's really awesome seeing how she's already connecting with him. I wish my Dad was here, but he will be in good time. This Sunday is Fathers Day and I got him a t-shirt, a card, birth announcement, and DVD of Martha's baby showers and Jake's birth. I forgot to send him a DVD of all the pictures I've taken since Jake was born, but I'll send it soon. I can't believe it's been a month, today. Not much has really happened either. Each day fades into the other and it's very repetitive. But whatever, I can't wait till Jake starts talking and walking :).

I don't like rap much, but Hip-hop is starting to rub off on me, and this month I've been listening to a lot of it:

MY TOP 10 SONGS FOR MAY 2010 (SO FAR)
1) California Girls feat. Snoop Dogg - KATY PERRY
2) Airplanes feat. Hayley Williams - B.o.B.
3) Break Your Heart feat. Ludacris - TAIO CRUZ
4) Hey Soul Sister - TRAIN
5) Billionaire feat. Bruno Mars - TRAVIE McCOY
6) Forever Young feat. Mr. Hudson - JAY-Z
7) Need You Now - LADY ANTEBELLUM
8) If I Had You - ADAM LAMBERT
9) Like We Used To - A ROCKET TO THE MOON
10) This is War - 30 SECONDS TO MARS

One Week Of Baby

2010-05-25T00:08:00.000-07:00

So life with the baby isn't as difficult as I thought. That's a different story for Martha though. I feel bad because she has to do so much, and I can't do much to help her. I'm trying but it's hard because I need to sleep for work, while she's up all night feeding him and changing his diapers. I'm sleeping through his cries and I know it upsets Martha, so I'm making it my personal goal to make her feel like she's not alone in this. Her boobs hurt a lot from breast feeding, and we can only hope it gets better. I hope it does. Jake turned 1 week yesterday and it is just so amazing. He is so beautiful and I love him, and Martha so much!

MY TOP 10 SONGS FOR MAY 2010 (SO FAR)
1) Get Out - CIRCA SURVIVE
2) Both Sides Of The Story - WE ARE THE IN CROWD
3) Letters And Love Notes - GO RADIO
4) Goodnight Moon - GO RADIO
5) Inside Of You - THE MAINE
6) More Than A Feeling (Boston Cover) - HIT THE LIGHTS
7) Lights Out - WE ARE THE IN CROWD
8) Your Love (The Outfield Cover) - I SEE STARS
9) Fall Asleep First - GO RADIO
10) Why I'm Home - GO RADIO

A Brand New Dad, A Brand New Start

2010-05-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

Finally... after 9 agonizing months, I, John Van Mulligen, am indeed a father! WOO!!! I can't explain the feeling to look at him and know I helped create him. I can't even think of what to type because the feeling is so amazing, I just had to make a post... WOOO!!!!!!!

My Sleep Patterns Changed

2010-05-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Great song by The Early November... but anyways... my sleep pattern has changed. It's scaring me because I will literally sleep for 12-13 hours and Martha will finally wake me up and I'll still be tired... Today was probably the first day I got to wake up on my own, and even waking up I'm still tired. It's like my body can't get enough sleep, and even when it does it still wants more. How am I supposed to handle waking up 5 times a night to deal with Jake, when I can't sleep 13 hours without still being tired, AH! Lol, guess I'll have to suck it up... I've been taking that 5 Hour Energy and it really works, but Martha doesn't want me taking it anymore, so I don't know, we'll see...

BABY NEWS: Martha and I went to the doctor's where he informed us that she hasn't dilated yet, and that Jake is still growing. We're going to have to wait another week for an update, as well as get another ultrasound :). I like ultrasounds, but I don't like how Martha is being effected by this long pregnancy because the longer it takes, the more time he has to grow inside her, and it raises the likeliness of him having to be delivered by C-Section. We're crossing our fingers, but we both agreed that Jake's health is our number priority so if she has to get cut from stern to bow for him to be delivered safety then it is what it is, but of course we'd rather have a healthy Jakey delivered vaginally... It also scares me to, because him being the size he is, whether it's through C-Section of vaginally, I, personally, worry about Martha's health. I hope and pray nothing happens to her. That was my number 1 worry from the get-go... so many women die during pregnancy, I couldn't bare to raise Jake alone without her. Not saying I wouldn't or couldn't, but just imagining how hard it would be. Not hard in taking care of him alone, but hard knowing she's not here to raise our child together. It hurts just thinking about it. I still miss the days we'd smile and rub her belly together and smile and talk about him and what we're going to do when he's born. Now it's been reduced to crooked gazes talking about when he's going to be out so the pregnancy can be over with. Hopefully we can get back to the way it used to be soon. I'm still hopeful but I don't blame her for feeling the way she does, because I can understand, and it hurts me to see the pain she's in, and how we both just want it to be over with so we can finally hold Jake. I get chills still thinking about it :) COME ON JAKE COME OUT ALREADY, haha... any day now... 11 more days...

Almost Time

2010-04-25T05:31:00.000-07:00

Everything seems ti be moving so fast. It seems like the other day I was complaining to Martha how long 9 months is and then BOOM! She's already full term. I'm excited, scared, nervous, happy, so many emotions, but they all center around disbelief. I still can't believe I'm having a kid. After going through all the doctors appointments, ultrasounds, baby showers, shopping, even visually seeing Martha grow and grow each day, it still hasn't sunk in. I guess when I see him pop out and I'm holding him in my hands that's when it will feel real.

I still can't help but think I'm still a kid. There are so many things I don't know yet, but I have to teach my son so many things. I go to work, trying to make enough money to support us and pay the bills, but I don't think it'll ever be enough. I'll always feel like I have to do more, because essentially I wish I could do more. I feel like I'm letting Martha and Jake down... before I even have chance to I'm already psyching myself out. It's hard... I'm going to be raising my son away from home, away from my friends, away from my house even. Supporting and raising Jake is by me going to work everyday and that's a big burden. But I know it's something I have to and will do.

I can't help but think he's going to be here soon. She is full term, so he's ready and can come out any day now, but he's so big. Martha's 37 weeks, but he's measuring 41 (when he was measured at 36 weeks he was measuring 40, so I'm just adjusting). He's a big baby... BIG baby... I wonder what he's going to look like... me and Martha... What attributes will he have of mine and which he'll have of hers... That one ultrasound is the closest thing we can go by, and it for sure don't look like me, lol... But that can all change when he's born...

The doctor's appointment on Tuesday will tell us where we stand and hopefully how much further we have to go. Can't wait till then...

Thinking About Toby

2010-04-17T03:39:00.001-07:00

I was on this website looking at funny pictures and one was of a Rabbit Letter Opener and it reminded me of Toby. I hated that rabbit sometimes, but I loved him so much. It sucks he's gone... it's been over a year, but it makes me think what he'd be like now... I might have even brought him up here to Oregon with me... But he's gone, and I shouldn't be dwelling on the past, but it is what it is...

Dos Days Off

2010-04-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Got my first check from work last night. A night which I worked for 12 hours straight... crazy, but anyways... I am making $8.40 an hour (OR minimum wage), so after 4 days my check was around 140 bucks... Cool, I guess, I mean it's money coming in so that's always good. I have 2 days off, and it's highly needed. I'm so tired... With how my schedule is, I work all day, then am forced to go to bed and sleep through the day till I work again, so it's nice to get back on track as far as sleep goes. I had to play Chuck E. for the first time, and that was nerve racking. It's so hard to see out and I had to walk through the entire establishment, but luckily I made it through. I am really glad to get to relax now...

This weekend is Martha's first baby shower, I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous post, but she is having 4 baby showers. One for her mom's side of the family, another for he dad's family, another for my family, and the last from her youth group. This weekend is my families, and I'm excited for it, it should be fun.

That's about it... I think I need to update my blogger information, so I'm going to do that right now, I'll post another blog soon.

April Showers Bring April Blogs

2010-04-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

So... it's been a long time, a lot has gone on. For starters... I'm in Oregon now. Me and Martha moved up here in February, and things have been pretty good I guess. She's huge (from the pregnancy of course), and she's having all sorts of aches and pains that keep me busy when I try to relax, but it's okay. I got a job working at Chuck E. Cheese, and everyone asks me... Yes, I get to play Chuck E. Actually everyone that works there has to at some point, so yup... I haven't got to play him yet, and I'm kind of glad because it ain't easy. There's a whole rulebook full of the do's and don't's of Chuck E. But anyways... that's really all... Easter was a few days ago and it was fun, and so now the only holiday left is Jake's birthday which could happen anytime between now and the 17th of May. Hopefully he doesn't come out now because I wouldn't want him premature, we want him healthy, and as the tests show he is healthy... well, a little too healthy. He weighs 5 lbs. 14 oz. and for his age, he should barely be pushing 5, so he's a chubster. But uh, yeah that's it... Looking forward to work in a few days, so yeah, later doods!

Oh! and also... I wanted to update my "Top 10 Songs" so here they are :P

MY TOP 10 SONGS FOR APRIL 2010 (SO FAR)
1) Tickets & Passports - HOLIDAY PARADE
2) Getaway - HOLIDAY PARADE
3) Crazy, Crazy Nights - KISS
4) The Consequence - YOU ME AT SIX
5) When 3's A Crowd - A DAY TO REMEMBER
6) Empty Sighs & Wine - ISLES AND GLACIERS
7) Cemetery Weather - ISLES AND GLACIERS
8) Mess I Made - PARACHUTE
9) Come On and Get Higher - MATT NATHANSON
10) Creatures Of The Night - KISS

My New Phone

2010-02-06T00:29:00.000-08:00

So, I'm too lazy to look, and I need something to type so if I did post this in a previous post... so what... SUCK IT! :P

Last summer... I wanted the Samsung Impression. It was $200 (with an upgrade) and I had been due for an upgrade since that March. So I stroll into Radio Shack one day and see they have it for $129 or something... no Mail-in-Rebate, no offer attached to it, just plain and simply $70 less than the AT&T store was selling it for. I was skeptical so I asked the dood, "Hey... what's the catch?" and he said "None" so I bought it! Had it for a week, then I returned it. Got my money back, got my contract canceled, but... when it came to the upgrade, he told me I had to handle that on my own. So then I went to AT&T and told them what Radio Shack said, but they told me Radio Shack should have done it. By this time I was back in California, because I was in Oregon when I bought it, so I couldn't go back to Radio Shack, so I called AT&T services instead. They got a hold of Radio Shack and told me everything was all set. Thinking everything was all cool, I started looking for a new cell phone. Found one I liked and went to buy it and they told me that I wasn't eligible for an upgrade. I flipped out and called back customer service and told them how they told me everything was taken care of, so we went through the whole process again, and she apologized and for the inconvenience she would make it so I wouldn't have to pay any of the extra fees attached to buying a new phone. So, I went to go buy the phone I wanted, and they stopped selling the one I wanted, so I had to wait even longer. Looking, and waiting, and looking, and waiting, and finally, WOO!!! I found it! But instead of buying it I put it on my Christmas list... :) But unfortunately I didn't get it :(. Anyways..... After Christmas I went to get it myself, but they raised it $50!!! I said fuck that, and thought I'd wait till it dropped again. Finally, a couple weeks ago, it dropped down $100. So it was $150, then went to $200, and now it's $100. I went as fast as I could to the store and just as I'm about to swipe my card they tell me, "You're going to be charged a $75 early upgrade fee, and an $18 activation fee." I told them to shove it, and the manager proceeded to give me the biggest attitude that carpet munching douche bag coochie banger could possibly give so, unable to deal with her I called back customer service. Explaining what happened she put me on hold, and then kept telling me they were looking for something they didn't know what they were looking for, that something was missing, but what I don't get is, Radio Shack faxed them the receipt, they got verbal confirmation the phone was returned, they have records that show that my contract was canceled, and that I do not have an active upgrade. What were they looking for? What did they need? I have no idea, but they wouldn't reverse the upgrade. After 2 hours of waiting, she finally tells me that her manager tried to manually reverse the upgrade, but even he couldn't, so she had to open a case for me. I have no idea what a case was, or why it was needed, but she did it and told me to wait anywhere within the next 2 weeks for a call. The 2 weeks ended yesterday and I hadn't heard anything, so I called customer service and asked them what was going on. The girl tells me that everything got resolved already a week ago and that I should have gotten a call. I didn't, but whatever, it was finally RESOLVED. So from the second I hung up I was in the car heading for AT&T where I saw it, I bought it, and when I got home I made sweet love to it. You wanna see it? Sure... here it is: Samsung Mythic

Beautiful isn't it? It's the Samsung Mythic. It's really cool and has so many features, many I can't use, but a lot that I can! So far I love it, but I have 30 days to return it, and if I do, I'll be crossing my fingers I don't have to go through this crap again...

B-B-B-Back

2010-01-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, and although I know no one reads these, it's more for personal use more than anything... To remind myself of certain situations, thoughts, and happenings I felt were "noteworthy" (Earick gets it... I think...) But anyways... WASSAP!? to whoever is reading this. If your wondering I'm so excited to say... I FINALLY FELT THE BABY KICK! CHA! I love it! It was so awesome... Martha doesn't know this, but deep down inside I was going "WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but I acted like it was cool and nothing else, but WOOO!!! Just knowing he's in there now... moving... living... :)

In other stuff... work is good... I'm really used to it now, and it's really awesome. I'm becoming friends with my co-workers and it's really awesome. The supervisors are really getting awesome... they're treating us like people instead of... I don't know, but they treated us like crap before, but yup... In the next couple weeks we'll be starting to work 6 days a week, full-time and over-time, can't complain about that!

Right now I'm listening to "Never Be What You Want" by We Are The In Crowd. Awesome band... and I stared thinking of writing my favorite songs for the month of January, and then for February, and so on to see if it changes and to look back on songs I can't stand anymore and say "Oh god I used to like that?" So anyways...

MY TOP 10 SONGS FOR JANUARY 2010 (SO FAR)
1) Never Be What You Want - WE ARE THE IN CROWD
2) Kids In Love - MAYDAY PARADE
3) What Do You Want From Me? - FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS
4) 1982 - THE SEQUENCE
5) Out Here In California - THE SEQUENCE
6) Permanent Heartbreak - THE FRIDAY NIGHT BOYS
7) For The Win - WE ARE THE IN CROWD
8) Live Like We're Dying (The Script Cover) - KRIS ALLEN
9) Party In The U.S.A. (Miley Cyrus Cover) - LIFE ON REPEAT
10) The Memory - MAYDAY PARADE

Christmas Day (2 of 2)

2009-12-25T21:42:00.000-08:00

Well... Christmas is coming to a close and now I can look back on it and give my opinion on it. Dinner was good (aside from arguments with my Dad as usual). Ham and stuffing, and potatoes. YUM! I went back to sleep after posting the last blog, so waking up for dinner was pretty hard, but I managed. After dinner, me and Martha went out to do a beer run. So many places were closed or were too expensive, so we ended up going to Vons and got a 12 pack of Mike's and Smirnoff. From then on out, me and my uncle drank and drank, until the alcohol took over, and verbal fights broke out. Rick and Holly got into a tussle, then me and Martha, then me and Rick, but it all got calmed down after I decided to go to bed. Me and Martha watched Pirates of the Caribbean and Wolverine until she rubbed my feet, and tickled me to sleep :). It was hard getting to sleep, but I finally did, and woke up at 1:00 today. Martha slept until 3:00, haha. Well that's about it... Good times. I had a really fun day yesterday, and can't wait for New Years Eve. Talk to ya then!

Christmas Day (1 of 2)

2009-12-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

And the countdown begins again... 365 days until next Christmas. As my "last" Christmas winds to an end, well at least the present opening portion, I'd say it went pretty well. I'm very excited with all the things I received, which are:

- A webcam
- The Demonata: Book 5 & 6
- Funny People DVD
- A lunch box
- "Jimmeh Rabbit" embroidered hats
- Book light
- $400

It was fun opening up presents, and seeing others opening up presents. I couldn't help but visualize Jake in a few years getting so excited opening up presents and screaming with excitement, or opening up presents and have a disappointed look when it's only clothes. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, but it's only half way over. We still have dinner, and hopefully a night of party party party ahead of us. :) Talk to you then!

Christmas Eve

2009-12-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

It's 4 minutes until Christmas Eve, well... by the time I'm finished typing and by the time you, or anybody for that matter, reads this... Boy do I love Christmas time, but I just don't know... something about this year... The feeling of Christmas... the atmosphere... it's just not there. It feels like another day. Yeah lights are up, even though not that many, and there's a tree in my living room, presents under it... but just somethings missing. Maybe it's that I can't enjoy it knowing Martha's not enjoying it... She's used to celebrating Christmas with her family... the snow... and here all she gets is my family and the wind/sun. Oh! Look at that... Officially Christmas Eve! I guess we're not going to get to open a present tonight (Thursday). I'm kind of bummed about that, but whateva... More presents for tomorrow (Friday). And it hasn't really hit me yet, but this is basically my last Christmas. After this it will be all about Jake. This is what makes me feel even more like a kid because I'm so used to Christmas being about me, and getting presents, and having a list a mile long, but now... Now I won't have/need a list. I'll just have to make the best of it. :) I hope everything goes good, so... Everyone, reading this, not reading it, whatever... Have a Merry Christmas Eve and have a very Merry Christmas Day!

A Day To Remember, A Night To Forget

2009-12-20T00:47:00.000-08:00

So tonight I had to do my final Final. After this, school is over for me, for the time being anyways. Turns out that I got 100% on it, woo! This will allow me, I'm hoping, to keep a B average (I need a B average to get a discount on my car insurance). So far, in my IT class I received a B and in my Excel class I got an A. All I can hope for is an A or B in Psych as well as English. I had taken an Online Class but it was only a P or F class, so pssh... But anyways...

Tonight was a WEC fight, and me, my uncle, and Martha watched it. Martha allowed me to drink tonight, and I'm kind of.. um.. what;s the sound a bee makes? Anyways... yeah, it's been a fun night and it's not over yet! I wanna make Tortilla Soup tomorrow, so we'll see how that turns out. Um... yeah... That's all folks! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and have a Happy New Year!

Christmas List (Revised)

2009-12-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

So I realized that my list was small, but expensive. We had a secret Santa thing going on, as I said in the previous post, but everyones buying stuff for everyone anyways, so I didn't want anyone to feel bad for not being able to get me anything. I swear, I didn't make this list to get more, I really didn't want my sister or someone getting upset because they couldn't get me anything, so I expanded the list to things I'd like to have as well. So here it is:

BOOKS
The Demonata by Darren Shan
• Book 5 – Blood Beast
• Book 6 – Demon Apocalypse
• Book 7 – Death’s Shadow
• Book 8 – Wolf Island
• Book 9 – Dark Calling
• Book 10 – Hell’s Heroes

DVD’S
The Hangover
Funny People
I Love You, Man
District 9

ELECTRONICS
Samsung Mythic
iPod Touch 64GB

OTHER
Book Light
Lunch Box
Money

My Better Half

2009-12-11T21:20:00.001-08:00

Today I was at work and to pass the time me and a co-worker were talking about relationship stuff. He asked me how I was before I met my girlfriend, and I told him how I'd done stuff that I wish I didn't, and how I wished it was only me and her and stuff. Before I met Martha I was a wreck. I was a different person. I wanted to hook-up with girls, and in fact I had a reputation for it. Martha actually hated me because of it in the beginning. But not anymore. And for the passed 3 years I've been an all around better person, and I can thank her for that. She made me the person I am today. The me I'm happy with, how I see myself and my actions and my attitude towards things. All my thanks goes out to you Martha. I look back and hated who I was, and can't say how much I love you because now I love myself. Forever and for always sweetheart, I love you.

My Christmas List

2009-12-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Santa is coming tonight and I wanna car and I wanna life and I wanna first class trip to Hawaii. I wanna life time supply of slurpees and Eskimo pies, I wanna DVD a big screen TV. Just bring me things that I don't need. Cause now it's Christmas and I want everything, I just can't wait. Christmas so don't stop spending, I wanna a million gifts that's right. Don't forget my Christmas list tonight. Somebody take me away or give me a time machine to take me straight to midnight. I'll be all right. I wanna girl in my bed who knows what to do, a Playstation 2. I wanna shopping spree in New York City. Just bring me things that I don't need. Cause now it's Christmas and I want everything I just can't wait. Christmas so don't stop spending, I wanna a million gifts that's right. Don't forget my Christmas list tonight. I wish I could take this day and make it last forever. And no matter what I get tonight, I want more. It's Christmas and I want everything, I just can't wait, it's Christmas and I want everything now. Christmas and I want everything I just can't wait. Christmas so don't stop spending I wanna a million gifts that's right and I can't wait till midnight, don't forget my Christmas list tonight.

Those are the Simple Plan lyrics to 'My Christmas List" and I'm not quite sure why I posted it, but anyways... my Christmas list is composed of 2 things... a new cell phone and an iPod. The only problem is, it's a brand new, just released phone, and an iTouch... so $$$$$$$$$$$$... we'll see if I get , hopefully I do :)

My family did a "Secret Santa" or at least attempted to, but everyone knows who has them, but I'm not going to just buy for my person. I have a few things picked out for everyone, especially Martha, but shh... don't tell her, haha. But yeah... I'm in the Christmas spirit and so excited for the upcoming weeks, should be fun. I promised Martha we'd put up lights, so I need to get in gear with that...

It's been exactly 2 weeks today that I started my job, I've worked 3, but today marks day 14. It is really hard work, but I'm sucking it up for Martha and Jake, and myself... $72 everyday can add up, and it will. More work = more money, let's do it!

Belated Thanskgiving

2009-11-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

(I tried to post this a view days ago, but it didn't post, so I don't know...)

So Thanksgiving has come and went, and I know I'm a little late as far as this blog goes, but I really wanted to point out all the people I'm thankful to have in my life through this passed year. I've met a lot of new friends, stayed in contact with the old, and unfortunately some friends became enemies. This passed year has had a lot of good and bad, mostly bad, but my friends, my true friends, have been there for me through thick and thin, and I give all my thanks to you. So if your reading this, you're probably one of those people, well... judging by who I know reads this, you ARE one of these people. Thank you again, thank you a million times!

And It's A...

2009-11-23T21:40:00.001-08:00

BOY!!!

That's right... me and Martha went to the elected ultrasound place and found out that it's a boy. We are so stoked and excited. It feels so good to finally know what it is, and I can't even put into words how amazing it feels to know that I'm going to have a son. Wow... even typing it feels surreal, but it's not... it's true... I'm a DAD!!!

WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, I'll Post One...

2009-11-19T17:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many times I opened up my blog and started typing than gave up.. anyways... Now I'll do it I guess, except I forgot all the things I was going to blog about to begin with... I'll try and remember...

Ryan, my cousin, is out of the hospital and back at school. He'll be on blood thinners for a few months to completely dissolve the clots. He's not in much pain, but can't walk very far without running out of breath. They said this should be temporary, so hopefully it is. I'm so glad he's okay, and getting better.

Do you remember Jake from The Bachelorette? Of course you do, well guess what... HE'S GONNA BE THE NEW BACHELOR! w00t w00t! Don't judge me, he's a tight doo, anyways...

The job I was so eagerly awaiting fell through. I got a call the night before it started and said it was postponed till the following Tuesday, pssh... So what... Thursday rolls around, and I got a call saying it's been canceled... WOO!!! Few days later I get a call again saying that there's a warehouse job available... so I say yes... What a mistake. I hate this job. Aside from the fact that I'm the only white guy there, I get called out for being white... not literally "HEY WHITEY!" but, here... I'll give you one instance, this is exactly what went down: Me and a coworker were putting stickers on boxes because the ones that already had stickers ran out. Then my supervisor comes over, and says "John... why are you putting stickers on these boxes, build them, put the stuff in and send them to Wade, He the one that do stickers." So I say "Okay," and start building the boxes while the other guy continues to do what I was doing, and nothing was said to him. I didn't think much of it, but it happened again... Even when I wasn't putting stickers on the boxes, and the other guy was. The supervisor straight up said "John, I told you not to put the stic... ah hell..." and walked away. There's other things that happened, but I ain't gots the time or patience to type it, but anyways... Tonight I'm gonna get a call saying if I come back tomorrow, because the first 3 days are the "weeding" process. I made it through day 1, today was day 2, so we'll see... If I stay I'll be working Mon - Fri, from 8:00 - 4:30, loading boxes, unloading boxes, over and over and over and over... My body hurts so mad right now it's not even funny. And it's not me just being a bitch, everyone I work with is in pain too. Maybe if I go back I'll have to do some routine stretches in the morning before I go. OH! I forgot the most important thing. This job is it in a huge warehouse that's 34 degrees... ALL THE TIME. We deal with cold foods, so it has to be cold, and damn is it cold. I go in there with 3 shirts and a sweater and I'm still freezing. My nose can't stay warm and it always goes numb, ugh! If you know me you know I hate the cold. I hate ice, I hate everything that's under 75 degrees... So it's not pleasant, but we'll see. I look at it this way... I have to sacrifice my time, body, and patience for my kid, because that's why I'm doing this. To support my fiance and my child. So that's what gets me through it...

Speaking of baby and fiance stuff... Martha went to the doctor's and we got another ultrasound, WOO! Also she was approached with the offer to participate in a scientific study about baby growth. They made some hypothesis's and just needed field research to prove the theory, and Martha agreed. For participating we'd receive 5 more ultrasounds, one free 3d ultrasound, and up to $150. They made her an appointment, and an hour before they called and said she couldn't be apart of it because she wasn't 18. Bummer, but in good news... She thought she could feel it move today :). I hope that true cuz n a few weeks, I'll be able to feel it :)

That's all for now, bye.

Hip-Hop Christmas

2009-11-17T06:48:00.001-08:00

Funny video I made, or created I should say...

Baby & Baby

2009-11-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

So my baby (Martha) is back from Oregon after 3 weeks, woo!!! We went out to dinner and it was nice, good food... everyone should check out Acapulco: Mexican Restaurant and Cantina. :) good stuff... And also... My other baby (eh... don't have a name yet, but the unborn child) is back too! We had an appointment today, and Martha thought she was going to get her blood taken, but that's not what happened... Usually when they call Martha in, they take her weight, blood pressure, and temperature, and then they send you back out to the waiting room for 15 more minutes, then call you back for the actual appointment. So when they called Martha in, I figured she'd be back in a few seconds, but she wasn't. She came out 15 minutes later with a sad face...

"What's wrong baby?" I asked.

"Didn't you get my call? I tried to tell you to come in," she said.

Checking my phone, I see it says "1 Missed Call. "It as on silent baby, I'm sorry, but why? What happened?" I exclaimed still worried.

"I got to hear the baby, and I wish you could have been there," she says as she sits down next to me.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked in a disappointed tone.

"She came in with the doppler heart monitor, and I could hear the babies heart beat, and it was so great, but it would have been so much better if we could have experienced it together," she informs me while holding onto my hand.

Sorry for the dialogue :P, but that's the gist of what happened. Sucks... but what am I going to do... Anyways, big stuff tomorrow big stuff... A new ultrasound image and my dad's birthday... w00t w00t!

Get Well Soon, Ryan

2009-11-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

We just found out my cousin is in the hospital with blood clots in his lungs. I personally don't want to worry because I want to believe he's going to be okay so why sweat it, but I can't. I did some research to see what's up with the whole thing, and honestly, it doesn't look good, so I'm seriously on pins and needles... I am freaking out. He has been through so much, my aunt and uncle have been through so much already... I really hope everything turns out good. My hopes and prayers go out to you Ryan, get better and beat this thing! I love you cuz...

Back On The Work Force

2009-11-09T13:43:00.000-08:00

So, it's been 2 weeks to the day since my wisdom teeth extraction. I thought well before now that the swelling would have gone down, and the pain would have diminished, but unfortunately not. My swelling is down probably 99%, but not 100%, and the pain I'm still dealing with. Sometimes I can't even chew on a piece of bread. I can't open up my mouth to even fit in a spoon full of soup. Bullshit I think, but today I get to meet with them. Talk to them about this, and the fucking hole in my tongue which still isn't completely healed either. So we'll see what happens...

In other things... I got a job! The only thing holding me back from being completely happy with this whole pregnancy was the fact that I'd have to rely on my parents to support my child. I couldn't take the fact of knowing that, so having a job really does uplift my spirit 10 fold.

I love Martha so much. I can;t fold back my feelings for her. The way she makes me feel, and loving every minute I spend with her means so much to me. When my friends have a problem, most of the time I'm the first person they come to, and to hear them talking about how their girlfriend left them, and so on and so forth, it kills me because I know how I felt when she left me, and to know they know how happy I am really hurts me because I have no answer. My friends trying to move on and do what he's got to do, but I couldn't. She, look at my old blogs. I was in a fucked up place... And people can give you advice and say this and that, even if they've been there, but nothing helps when it's you going through it right then and there... Anyways, my friend who was going through shit told me he envies what me and Martha had... He was jealous that we had what we have, and how lucky we both are to have each other. And it really hurt me, because I love Martha so much, and I can't hide it... I LOVE MARTHA! But I can just imagine how he feels knowing how happy we are, when he's feeling like shit. He's like my brother, and this is a place I don't want to see him. Shit, I ono...

Moving on... Baby news??? Anyone??? You? Okay, if you really want hear it... We still don't know if it's a boy or girl. Me and Martha both kind of agreed we want a boy, and she even thought it was a boy for awhile, but now she's saying that she wants a girl. At first, I couldn't imagine having a girl... I would be such a fucked Dad, I just know it. I'd be so paranoid of dipfuck guys playing their fucking games... I wouldn't let her date, haha, I'd be the typical Dad in high school movies, and guess what happens... they sneak out anyways and get into shit that I'd never want my daughter to go through. I'm so surprised, and thankful for the relationship I have with her parents, because if I was them, I would hate my guts... Anyways... the whole point is, that's how I thought, but when you actually are pregnant, everything changes. I want a healthy baby. I want a child... Boy or girl, I will love him/her with all my heart, soul, and every fiber in my body... Hopefully soon we will find out, and I can't wait...

So that's about it for now... Talk to ya'll later!

The Aftermath, Pt. III

2009-10-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

Here I am typing away with swollen cheeks, trying to keep consciousness by not dozing off, while swallowing mucous and blood every 5 seconds (hey! it's what they told me to do!). I was scared as hell going into that room. That had me lie completely parallel with the floor, and started hooking monitors up to me. The nurses continually asked me how I was doing while I repeatedly responded "scared... nervous... afraid..." Yeah, a bitch maybe, but I have bad experiences with dentists, so whatever, don't judge me. After everything was hooked up and I was strapped down, the doctor came in and told me he was going to give me medicine first before knocking me out, so I'd calm down. He inserted the needle, and injected the "anti-worry" medicine into me. He kept asking me if it was kicking in yet, which it wasn't, but then... I felt a weird rush over my body. Could this be it? Is the anti-worry medicine kicking in? I thought about what was going to happen in the next coming minutes, and was still sweating bullets. Then I took in a deep breath and looked up. My eyes started roll to the back of my head, and then BAM! "John, it's all over, take a minute to relax." I was still trying to get a hold of my bearings, and then the pain set it. Oh god, my bottom teeth were aching. I figured, hey! I'll just go back to sleep, so maybe something will kick in... Nope. The nurse sat me up, and told me to wait for my mom and uncle. They walked into the room, and I was still kind of out of it, and attempted to smile. I told the nurse that my teeth hurt really bad, so she gave me a vicodin. Then... something really embarrassing happened. Everytime I tried to talk, I had to stop mid-word because I';d start to get choked up. By then, I think whatever they gave me before the vicodin gad kicked in, and it wasn't hurting as bad, so I knew it wasn't the pain. I wasn't scared, or nervous, or sad... So I bit my lip all the way to the car. Once I stepped in and all the doors were shut, I let it out... "Mom, I feel like crying..." And then I started wailing... "I don't know why... I'm not in pain, I'm not sad..." And my uncle started laughing and told me to let it out... So I did... I was crying so hard I started laughing because I didn't know why... 5 minutes later, the urge to cry went away, and I told Martha about it, and she told me that a lot of people randomly cry after waking up from anesthesia, and that I wasn't alone. Boy was that a relief, lol.
[Post ended 5:25pm]

~

[Post started 9:22pm]
So I'm back... I had to cool off a bit, in the middle of my post, something happened and I flipped out. What I didn't get to post in the first half I'll do it now... The dentist I guess cauterized a hole into the bottom of my tongue. Since my teeth stopped hurting once I left the dentist, the only thing that hurt was my tongue and throat. I later found out my throat hurt because I wasn't drinking any water, so my throat got super dry, and well... my tongue hurt because there was a FUCKING HOLE IN IT! I called and asked them why there was, and they avoided the question and said "The only thing we extracted was the teeth." Basically saying they didn't do it, and that I more than likely bite it. First off, the shape was a perfect circle, like it was scooped out by a mini ice cream scoop, and secondly... I couldn't bite that part of my tongue if my life depended on it. It really pissed me off... So anyways, I tried to cool off a little bit so I was messing with my iTunes, and then I started to get really groggy. I decided to lay down, but something didn't feel right. My chest felt like it was on fire, so I took my temperature... 101! I freaked out, and got pissed off, and this and that, and got so pissed off I put myself to sleep. After resting for a bit, my dad came home and told me to take some Tylenol instead of Vicodin, so I did, but was pissed off because if you take Tylenol, you can't take vicodin for 6 hours, and I was worried the pain would come back or something, so I got pissed off and when upstairs and layed down. Supposedly, the Tylenol was supposed to lower my temperature, as well as take the pain away, so whatever... Anyways, once I woke up, I felt 100% better( mood-wise) but my throat and tongue still hurt. Fast forward to right now, and yeah... Basically the same... My tongue hurts as well as my throat, even though my throat has gotten a little better cuz I've been chugging down water. But yeah... I really want to cuss out those dentists, but we'll see where it goes. I just wanna relax and heal up. Hopefully soon...

No More Texting

2009-10-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

I used to be on a plan with my sister and Martha, but when my sister decided she didn't want to pay the bills anymore, I felt enough was enough. So i asked my dad if me and Martha could move onto his plan and it only be an extra $20... He said yeah, so went down to AT&T to go set it all up. Turns out my dad hasn't upgraded or changed his plan since 2004, so his plan had technically expired, but they were honoring it still because he stayed committed to Cingular. The plan I was on was 700 minutes and unlimited texting, but my dad's was 850 minutes and no texting, so for me to join his plan, he had to downgrade from 850 to 700. He did, but he refused to add on the texting... so even though my phones not turned off, and I still have service... I have NO MORE TEXTING!!! :(

I CAN'T LIVE, IF LIVING IS WITHOUT YOU.. I CAN'T LIVE... I CAN'T TEXT ANYMORE!!!

This is gonna suck...

Widsom Teeth

2009-10-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

I went to my wisdom teeth consultation today. AH!!! They gave me an appointment for next Monday. I am a little nervous... I've seen friends and family go through this, and it definitely doesn't look fun. They prescribed me Vicodin and antibiotics, so hopefully that will help with the pain and infection, but still... AH!!! They also went over what could go wrong... permanent jaw and nerve damage and numbness. PERMANENT!!! AH!!! But I keep thinking that this procedure has been done a million times, and I'm hopeful nothing will go wrong. But I guess we'll see... dun dun duuun...

Macromedia Suite 8

2009-10-18T19:34:00.001-07:00

SWEET! Awhile ago I got excited because I came across Adobe Creative Suite 4... an awesome compilation of the best web editing/creating programs out there. I had been using Macromedia Suite 8, and Adobe CS4 is basically Macromedia Suite 10, but they changed the name and added new programs, but anyways... When I first started messing with these web programs, I used Flash 4, then from there went on to use Macromedia Suite 2005. The upgrade from 2005 to 8 was awesome! They didn't change much, but added a lot more awesome craziness that made things easier and awesomer. After Macromedia Suite 8 was Adobe CS3, which I didn't know came out so I didn't get it, but when I came across the free download of CS4, I had to get it!!! So I did, and wow... The layout was different, they added new tools and buttons, and it was a completely different program it seemed. And the program was, I'm sure the change happened on CS3 because there was no Help tools to tell you how to do anything. I was sidelined. I couldn't make anything because I didn't know how, not to mention the fact that the files were so big, and it lagged my computer and caused it to freeze up every time I used it. I knew I couldn't handle this pile of shiznitch, so I intended on reinstalling Macromedia Suite 8, but then... I lost my install disc. I didn't panic because I still had the serial number, and I could download the trial version and input the serial and BAM!, but... THEY DELETED ALL ACCESS TO THEIR TRIALS!!! I even tried to download it from various sites, and no one had it... NO ONE! But then... one fateful day, my awesome friend JOSIE sent me a link, a link to Macromedia Suite 8, and yes... it was sweet x8!!! SO now I am backo in actiono, rockin' and rollin' and what not. GEA!

Twitter is the stupidest invention that was ever invented

10/18/2009 7:58pm- @Blogger I'm bored.

WTF is that!? Stupid!

Video Blog

2009-10-17T20:21:00.001-07:00

Remember how I blogged about them not making any 'Daddy Journals'? Well, now it seems pregnant girls are making video blogs on YouTube about the pregnancy. So you know what? Yeah that's right... RIGHT HERE baby! My video blog... from MY point of view, gea gea gea!

Great News

2009-10-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

Went to the ultrasound appointment today. Our baby had a heartbeat, WOO!!! And wow... actually seeing him/her for the first time, it was amazing! I got the pics from the ultra sounds. I guess I'll post them on here for updates and stuff...

1st Ultrasound Image (Outline) [09/23/09]
2nd Ultrasound Image (Outline) [10/09/09]

Nothing much else happened today... gotta lotta homework to finish up this week, so I better get to it, LATER!

Blah News

2009-10-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

So we (Martha & I) go to the doctors with our fingers crossed, and they tell us we need to go to another building, so we rush over to the other building just to wait for them to get back from lunch break. Their lunch is from 12:00 - 2:00, yet they schedule people at 1:30... stupid, but we finally get in, and the doctor tells us that the "pregnancy levels" don't matter this far into the pregnancy, we need an ultrasound. WTF! So we won't know anything until we get the ultrasound on Friday, and go over with results with the doctor next Wednesday. I can't believe they're slow process in knowing if my child is a live or not! But I take it as a good sign of them not rushing it cuz there isn't anything wrong... On another good note, at least I'll get to see the live ultrasound, and if everything is okay I could possibly see him wiggling :), but I'll be okay with a heartbeat... I'm excited.

In other news, just got tickets to see Dead by Sunrise play on Jimmy Kimmel... w00t w00t! Linkin Park is my favorite band, and if you didn't know, the lead vocalist Chester Bennington started a side project, and I'm going to go see them! WOOO!!! Awesome! That's it for now... Later!

Threatened Abortion

2009-10-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

Martha went to the bathroom and saw clotting in the toilet so we rushed to the ER. We were there for 2 hours where they interviewed us, took blood and urine samples, gave her a pelvic exam, and gave us optimistic hopes by telling us that they think everything is okay. The problem is they won't know for sure until the blood results come in and are compared with the ones she'll have to take in a few days. They need to measure her "pregnancy levels" which are found in her blood samples. Everyday her pregnancy levels double, so when they compare them in a few days hopefully by then the levels will be quadrupled and not the same or lower. I hope everything's alright. I'll pray for him/her to be safe and healthy.

First Time Father Journal

2009-10-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

Martha just bought a "Mommy Journal" and is bidding on a "Baby Journal" but what about a "Daddy Journal"??? Where am I gonna write my stomach size each week, and my cravings and my emotions through the whole pregnancy? Well, maybe not those details, but there's a lot of stuff that I'm going to be going through and stuff I want to remember and write down... They always cater to women and children... what about the doods!? They were interviewing Martha asking her about her family heritage and medical history... What about mine... My medical history is just as important as hers, it's OUR child that's inside her, not just hers... Stupid stuff like that... Anyways, I guess I'll have to use this as my Daddy Journal...

I'M A FATHER!

2009-09-24T19:23:00.001-07:00

Well... soon to be. We found out Martha is 6 and a half weeks pregnant. We won't know the sex until November, but I can't wait... I WANNA KNOW! We already picked out the names... If it's a boy it will be Jake Brian, and if it's a girl it will be Melina Rose. So excited!!! But I'm not gonna lie... I'm scared... A LOT... I need a job... Hopefully things will all work out...

Awesome Weekend...

2009-09-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

A little late, but why not catch you up... Last Friday I went to see blink-182 with Fall Out Boy, and The All-American Rejects! On Saturday I went to Legends to watch UFC 103 and Mayweather vs. Marquez!

DOOD! Best time EVER!

First off, for blink-182, I have VIP tickets, which gave me access to a VIP lounge, VIP parking, VIP seats, and VIP service. BOOYAH! We sat down to watch the show, and we had a personal waitress, which I took advantage of my 21 years of age and bought some drinks. I had a good buzz going the whole night, and we had center seats, perfect view of the whole stage, it was awesome. All-American Rejects blew up the stage... and Fall Out Boy, eh... But blink-182... WOW! What made it so awesome was this was the first night of the roster change. Before this tour it was Taking Back Sunday, Weezer, and blink-182, and Taking Back Sunday had been saying that blink-182 had been making the shows PG rated, only saying the cuss words in their songs, but leaving it at that... OH NO! "Hey Mark... I was fuck your mom's dad in the ass while farting!" It was awesome... Took me off guard, and they were just amazing... It was like they never broke up... We ended up taking off and... (We is me and my uncle Rick)... heading to a bar, which wasn't really crackin' so we went home and called it a night.

~The next day~

Me and my uncle had made plans to go to see the two fights at Legends (a sports bar). We got there at around 4, cuz we wanted seats. The boxing fight started at 6, and the UFC started at 7. What sucks is that, neither of the fights started until 7:15. We missed some stuff but not much. It was a fun night... great fights... great buzz... Okay... I got drunk... I woke up in the morning and didn't remember leaving the bar. I was told we went to Spires afterward to get water and because I was scared to go home. Then I picked a fight with my uncle about something. Once I got home I cussed out my cousin for no reason, then went to bed where I talked in my sleep. Yeah... but I had a good time :)

Concerts & Alcohol

2009-09-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend is in love with Call the Cops. It just so happens that my friend from high school is in this band. We get word that they are playing a free show, with an open bar... AWESOME! So we make plans to go, it's all the way in L.A. so we prepared to bust a mission. Since Martha isn't 21, and neither was Amanda (a friend I invited), they decided to get a little buzz going. The drive out there was fun with them being outrageous when they accidentally got a lil drunk instead of buzzed. So we end yup getting there, and I was already a little irritated cuz they force you to park in a parking complex and charge you for it... So anyways, we get to the venue and we're standing outside. The three of us are the only ones outside, and they're telling us they can't let us in till 8:30. But get this... the open bar was supposed to open at 7:30, the band was supposed to start at 8:30, and we were there at 7:00, so we had to wait an hour and a half. Finally, they start carding us to make sure that we are old enough to drink. I tell them Amanda and Martha aren't 21, but they still want their ID's because they need to be 18, BECAUSE... They just decided they wanted to film the event, so now everyone who came had to be at least 18. Martha started to cry, and I got pissed and started walking back to the car, and we ran into Will (the guy from CTC's that I know), and we told him what went down and how we are pissed off at this place and they should never play here again. He told us to come back, and he'd try to get us in... We wait, and wait, and then their manager came out and told us what was up... He goes on saying their rules are you have to be 18, no way around it, unless she is accompanied by a parent. Luckily Will's mom looks mexican, and she was cool with acting like Martha's mom, so we waited for her to show up. While we're waiting, the blonde dumb ass bitch bouncer who is big headed and shit starts getting rude, telling us we needed to get in line. I told her we couldn't get in, we're waiting for Martha's mom, and she demanded we get in line anyways. She then told us we needed to take a picture next to our I.D., which I told her Martha didn't have one, so she told us to get out of people's way in line if were weren't ready... I almost told her off, but I didn't want to screw this up for Martha. She then went on to ask me what brand of shirt I was wearing... I had a grey shirt on that had yellow boxes that formed the shape of a skull. I told her it was an off brand, and she told me I had to turn it inside out. That really pissed me off, and by then Martha was upset again crying cuz we just want to have a good time, and this fucking place is ruining it. So i told her that we needed to go. I called up the bands manager and told him how rude they were being, and how I strongly urge them not to play again, how they made my girlfriend cry and how they should basically burn to the ground. He asked me for my address, and that he'd make it up to Martha. Thank you Call the Cops... Fuck you Swing House Recordings.

On our drive back from L.A. we agreed that we would just get shit faced and have a good night. Then Jeremy called inviting us to a party. Jeremy's my best friend, he;s like a brother to me. Thinking it was a good idea we headed over. I won't go into detail, but for the first hour it was awesome, then all shit went loose. Some people heard things that weren't said, and others saw things that didn't happen... But in the ended my ass got kicked :). I woke up the next morning with bruises all over my body, and massively bruised ribs.. Awesome I think... Anyways... I promised Martha from this day on I wouldn't drink anymore, and I'm gonna keep my word...

In other news... I've just learned some news... Some scary news... Some good news... Let's see what happens...

21

2009-09-11T13:51:00.000-07:00

~The Night Before~

Oh how sweet it is to be free!

Finally the day has come (and went).

So me and Martha anxiously waited for the clock to turn to midnight, and then it did. I think I was more excited than anyone that night, I even tried to grab pots and pans to bang to let everyone on my block know I'M 21!!!, but my dad stopped me, ha. So the first thing me and Martha did was hop in the car and drive to a 24/7 Liquor store. After about a half an hour we came to the conclusion that there wasn't one, so we settled for 7/11. They didn't sell alcohol, so we went to the next one. They had alcohol but shitty kind. Next one, no alcohol, next one alcohol, but not the right kind, so finally I went to the last one I knew existed. FINALLY! but then I thought of 24 Hour CVS :). Ran over there and bought my first alcoholic beverage, 12 pack of Smirnoff Ice and the cheapest bottle of vodka they had.

Cashier: "Sir may I see you're ID?"
Me: "Sure"
Cashier: "Thank you."
Me: "No, thank you."

Then I went back to the 7/11 to get Martha's drinks. When we had first got there there were these 3 black chicks in there, and they were still there when we got back. I went in and ontop of the front counter was a pile, no... MOUNTAIN of snacks, treats, and goodies. The chicks were buying the whole store! I looked at the cashier dood and we both chuckled, these bitches must have had the munchies bad! Anyways, we drive home, and drink... and drink... and drink... and drink... Then went to sleep.

~The Morning~

Woke up, no hangover, AWESOME! Gave my family hugs, got many texts and calls, thank you everybody. Proceeded to carry on with the busy day, pick up my glasses, go to the thrift store to buy a terrarium, eat, and buy an Xbox. Got my glasses first, and man do they help... it's incredible. After that we went to the thrift store and scored on this awesome terrarium. After that we went to eat at the mall and to get the Xbox at Target, actually, none of this is important... Fast forward... We went to Olive Garden for my birthday, where I was talked into getting the drink "most girls order"... embarrassing. It was really good, and I had a really good time... Sheesh, I still don't know why I'm typing all this... damn... Anyways, went home and drank myself into intoxication, then went to sleep...

~Today~

What I have planned is going to a free Call the Cops show where there will be a free, FREE, FREEEEEEEEEEE open bar :). Should be fun, and hanging out with Amanda... Let's do this shit!

The Aftermath, Pt. II

2009-09-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

So, as far as my post the other day... Here's how each played out...

My Xbox is still broke, but my sister's boyfriend's friend thinks he can fix it for me for free, awesome...

Me and my uncle went to US Bank, kept our calm, and my uncle worked his magic on the manager and got all the overdrafts taken off, shwwwing!

My hand healed (sorta) from bustin' the cage, my paperwork dried, and my giauna is all nice and dandy in her new bigger cage.

And now today...

Went to the dentist and the girl that cleaned my teeth was a complete bitch! She was rude and bashed me every second through the whole cleaning... She should get fired... Anyways, at least I have no cavities... 21 years and counting ;)

Speaking of which... in 3 hours............. I'll be 21!!! GEA! GEA! GEA! Me and Martha are gonna do something fun, can't wait.

Moving on... I was supposed to show up for a job interview but I didn't go because it's a scam... It was the kind of places that want you to sell things for them... "You buy knives for $5, but you sell them for $10... you just made $5..." But while I'm working my butt off selling, my "boss" is sitting at home while I do the work... HA HA HA... NO!

My glasses came in today... yeah... I need to wear glasses from now on...

So yesterday was an awesome day, today sucked, but hopefully tomorrow will be awesome, I can't wait to wake up tomorrow :) Later!

A Little Pissed Off

2009-09-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

So, I've come to the conclusion, for reals this time... that I'm a bad person. I must be, seriously...

My Xbox 360 just got the infamous red ring, woohoo!

US Bank says I owe them >$200, and guess why... I used my debit card to pay for gas to get from Oregon to here. Once I got home, I needed to get money out tot pay bills, so I withdrew $100. THEY GAVE IT TO ME! Then 5 minutes after they withdrew my money, THEN they charged me for the gas which left $70 n my account. SO you probably think hey John... you overdrew $30... NO! They're saying I overdrew 6 times, every time I filled up for gas... a week ago! BULLSHIT... I cannot wait till I go there on Monday... whoever I talk to is fucked.

My iguana escaped her cage, so I tried to grab her and put her in and she freaked out, knocking over a can of soda that spilled onto my important insurance papers. So, out of anger I shoved the cage, and the glass gave way, and broke cutting my hand. This was 2 days ago, and it's still bleeding and hurts like a bitch.

There's just so much shit that keeps happening, I just need a break from it all. I'm so glad Martha is here to help me through all this shit... I can't wait till I'm 21... 5 more days... sweet sweet alcohol... ALCOHOLISM here I come!

Right Now...

2009-09-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

Someone right now is leaving their apartment
Looking down at the street, wondering where there car went
Someone in the car sitting at a signal
In front of a restaurant, staring through the window
at someone right now with their finger in their teeth
Who could use a little floss right across the street
there's somebody on the curb who really needs a jacket
spent half the rent at a bar getting plastered
Now he gotta walk fourteen blocks
to work at a shop where he's about to get fired.
Someone right now is looking pretty tired
Staring at a laptop trying to get inspired
Somebody living right across the street
She wrote the best things she's written all week
but her best friends coughing up blood in the sink
Can't even think what happened, feeling so confused
And he knows it looks bad but there's nothing he can do
I wonder what it's like to be right there in his shoes

I like that song, anyways...

I'm drinking :)

8 days till my b-day!

4 Months

2009-08-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

Boy a lot has happened!

I just got back to Cali from Oregon with Martha. She moved in with me :). So far everything had gone as planned. We brought B.B. with us, and a new to the family: Zina, a green iguana.

21 is approaching soon, and I cannot wait... I can drink... I can watch UFC fights for $5... AWESOME!!!

It's so good to have the internet back... It's nice to kick back and surf the web, but only for so long. Tomorrow's Monday and I have so much to do. I need glasses, so it's about time to make an appointment...

SO SO much has happened, I don't even know how I can update it all... 4 months!!!

- I fractured my foot
- Went to Warped Tour
- Drank
- Drank a lot
- Bought a brand new awesome phone
- Returned the phone
- Got charged over $400 for a $6 overdraft... FUCK YOU US BANK!
- Watched (500) Days of Summer, District 9, Monsters vs. Aliens, Funny People, The Ugly Truth, The Hangover, and The Orphan... all of which were pretty good
- Oh... forgot... we pushed back the date of the wedding to next summer... WOO!!!
- Missed one of my best friends birthday... Sorry Mike...
- Spent countless hours watching Beastwars, Dinosaurs, Pinky and the Brain, Roswell, and Prison Break
- Did karaoke... which was one the funnest things I've ever done

Uh... I think that's it... As for the future, I need to get the eye doctor thing taken care of, need to get some stuff taken care of with Martha to get her all settled in... And... SECONDHAND SERENADE on the 4th... WOO! Oh... and My BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! 09/10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!

Later!

Big Plans For The Future

2009-04-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

I proposed to Martha on Sunday and she cried (happy tears) and said "Yes." :)... I'M GETTING MARRIED! We have it set for early August and I hope everything goes as planned. I got ahold of some of my friends, and they hopefully will be driving up here for the wedding... SWEET! I can't wait... Me and Martha have been together for... well let's just say 3 years in July, and I've been waiting for this day for a long time. I love her I am so lucky to have her as my fiance, and soon... my wife.

First Things Third

2009-04-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hello... I'm at this lady's house that Martha is grandmasitting... This keyboard is so hard to type on... This grandma is a crack up... lol... So anyways... Wondering what new thind have happended to me? Well I'm not really sure... A lot of sitting and spending money... I have $9,000 and I'm spending it on impulse... I need to stop... So far I've bought a new wardrobe... shirts, shoes, pants, shorts, etc. I've eaten out every night, bought ots of alcohol, bought Martha a lot of stuff, spent a lot on candy YUM! But I think I need to slow it down...

Wow... I asked Delores (the grandma) which dog she liked better, cuz they have two... And she got mad and said "Don't ask me about that! I'll throw it across the room!" She's hard of hearing and thought I asked her about her walker... Aww... lol...

I'm really bummed... At the last UFC PPV, Chuck Liddell got knocked out, and I'm pretty sure he's going to retire after that :(... I don't see why... He lost to Rampage cuz Rampage got a lucky shot... He lost a split decision to Jardine, it could have went either way... and he lost to Rashad when Rashad got a lucky shot too.. Chuck was winning the fight... How many times have people lost a couple fights in a row and still get to continue... Dana White is a fag to give Chuck an ultimatum... The Iceman rules! I can't wait to see Machida murder Rashad at the next PPV... WOO!

I still don't know what I'm going to do about my cellphone... Verizon... AT&T... Sprint... T-Mobile... AH!!!

Great news... So my dad was planning to retire when we turned 60... He's 58 right now... He was waiting for the new contract to pass and when it did, he found out he has to wait till he's 62 to retire... Cuz he was born 3 months late... Sucky... But he found out that he can still retire at 60, he just wouldn't get his Social Security till he was 62 and he'd be giving up $350 a month till he's 62... So to make up for that loss, he was going to rent our house out to me and my sister instead of selling it... A full 2 story house to ourselves... WOO! I get to keep my room... and it'll be less than an actual apatment... Freakin' awesome!

Alrightm well that's about it for now... I'll update later when/if something intresting happens...

MARTHA: I love you
CHELSEA: Be happy... and why don't I get brought up in your blogs anymore... lol, j/k... but really...
JEREMY: Haha, me and Martha / Martha and I aren't really getting married... yet ;)
EARICK: Good recording, your voice wouldn't and doesn't make anyone throw up... You talented fuck! haha...

It's Been A Long Time...

2009-04-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

WOW! So much has happened, I don't know where to start... maybe listing it would be better...

- Martha came
- I quit school
- We went all over the place, Six Flags, the beach, South Coast Plaza, etc...
- We both got tattoo's
- Drove her back to Oregon
- She broke up with Hunter
- Got back with me
- Left me
- Got back with Hunter
- Left him
- Got Back with me
- We're happy
- I haven't been this happy in a long time
- Got back in touch with Chelsea
- Sold my Harley
- I have to fly back to Cali to sign paperwork for the bike
- Martin thinks I'm weird
- My uncle got the Internet
- We're getting ready to watch the American Idol elimination ... PLEASE GET RID OF ADAM!!!
- And that's about it

Wow... that list really summed everything up haha... well that's about everything that happened, give or take a few details...

Hot Cheetos

2009-03-23T23:06:00.001-07:00

Today is Monday and my last post was Wednesday... A lot has happened between those 5 days... Over the weekend I drove out to Chatsworth to hangout with Chelsea... Had an awesome time... Ate expensive mexican food, met her parents and quarky brother... We watched Last House on the Left... Added a little decor to her wall, haha... Then we basically listened to music and through pillows and each other... hm... that sounds pretty gay, but fuck it... it was fun... Hey Chelsea... GIMME THAT PILLOW! Haha, well... since it was an hour drive, I left tired as hell and wanted to get outta there before I was a zombie, but by the time I got home I had woken up a little, and went with my friends to a party where they charged $20 to get in, ha! What do they think they are... A club? We left there and went back to my house where we got pretty toasted...

A few people called about the motorcycle I'm trying to get rid of... HAHA! Okay... so if you went into a dealership and bought my Harley... You'd walk out spending over $17,000 after taxes and everything... Okay, so my Harley is brand mother effin new... It's basically like buying it from the dealer... These mofo's offer me $11,000. HAHA! Get a life guys... I know it's free money, but I refuse to be taken advantage of...

Today I cleaned my house because Martha is going to be coming down for her Spring Break. It was such a hassle getting the tickets... Fuck these companies like Priceline and Expedia... You go through all the steps that take you roughly 30 minutes, and then at the last minute they say there's an error with one of the first things you did, then you have to start all over, and then they tell you there's another error... It took me probably 20 tries to finally get it... So she'll be flying in Tuesday and staying till Sunday... I can't help but feel I'm going to be let down by her coming... But I guess we'll see...

Okay, so... um... as of right now I'm pretty upset... Martha hinted, or maybe I made up something in my head, but none the less, it seemed like she was unhappy with Hunter, so that's why she was coming to see me.. But now... I don't think that's the case. I've been there and done it, and I know when she uses words to describe me, I'm becoming the "best friend" and I honestly don't want to be that. I don't want to be the fall back guy that she goes to when he hurts her... As of right now I give her everything he doesn't, and he gives her nothing, so I basically give her everything. But she doesn't see that. So I think after she leaves I'm cutting off all ties, and we'll see if she sees that the only reason they've lasted so far is cuz of me... I even pay for the fucking gas it takes to get to his house... Pathetic I know, but we've already established that that's what I am... But no more... This guy is a sorry excuse for a boyfriend... Maybe cuz he's fucking 15 and doesn't even know how to be one... Fuck it, I'm over it... I'm over being upset... I'm gonna go eat some hot cheetos and go to bed... Got a big test tomorrow... AH! Wish me luck...

Riverside

2009-03-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

I survived! Yup, me, Jeremy, and Mark hung out last night and got WASTED!!! WOO!!! We spent all night drinking and watching funny ass YouTube videos... Fun time... SO anyways, I wake up in the morning after forgetting I even fell asleep, haha... Jeremy had stayed the night, while Mark had left. So me and Jeremy made plans to drive to Riverside so I can fill out the paperwork for my bike. Yeah, the bike I won on the Price is Right... The same Price is Right that you can view right here. Okay, well... we drive... 2 HOURS!!! It was such a nice day and it pisses me off I wasted it either asleep or in a car... We were blasting music, it was fun, but it was still 2 HOURS!!! So we get there, I sign the paper work... I see the bike... BEAUTIFUL! I wish I could ride one, I would... But anyways we're there for probably 10 minutes tops, then we have to hop back in the car and drive 2 HOURS back home. Jeremy had brought a mini dvd player, so he watched and I listened to Waiting... Lol, what a funny movie... "I wanna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes" Haha... Anyways... yeah... I got home, tried to relax, watched tv, talked to l.cush, and ate... Jeremy updated his XBox... We made him an avatar that looks like Johnny Knoxville... Um... and that's basically it... I watched Lie to Me and American Idol... YEAH! I WATCH AMERICAN IDOL, so fucking what!? Okay... well yeah... now I'm here, writing this... on the phone with T-Cap... I should be writing my essay, but fuck school... And yeah... I think that's about it... I think I'm just gonna keep typing because Chelsea likes to make a big point that I'm writing such a long blog... LAAAAAA LAAAAAA LAAAAAA I'm hungry actually... I want food... Jeremy gave up meat for lent... I couldn't do that... I know how messed up some of the slaughter houses are, and how they abuse animals... but damn... They taste good, I can't help it... Anyways... I'll end it here... I'll post another blog tomorrow I'm sure... LATER!

I'mo DIE!!!

2009-03-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

I just got back from taking Joel (my friend) to his friends house, on the way back, I got off the freeway exit, and this car followed me. Not followed me... He tailgated me... All the way to my house, and when I pulled into my drive way, he kept driving and kept going down the street. I live in a no outlet neighbor, so the entrance is the exit, and there's 5 streets to go down. If you live on 37th, you turn down 37th... If you live down 38th, you turn down 38th... This guy turned down my street, then when he reached the end of the block, turned to go down to the next one, but I doubt he lived in our neighborhood, or he would have went down his street, ya feel me? So I was FOLLOWED! Not just that, but he circled around the block, and parked in front of my house... Idled for a few minutes then took off... DOOD! I'mo DIE! He gun come back and shoot me in meh sleep... AH!!! Lol... Let's see if I live through the night... Post tomorrow?

No More Blogs About Stupid Shit

2009-03-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

I feel so much weight lifted off my shoulders... Thank you Earick, whether it was intentional or not, you showed me how pathetic I am... I feel pathetic even writing this blog, but it really doesn't make sense... I think I might still be a little drunk from last night... Lol... But whatever... I'm sure you can tell how much my mood changed throughout this blog (I deleted the part before this cuz it was pretty weird and random) ... FUCK! that Ace Enders song is so fucking awesome... Um... oh yeah! Chelsea... T-Cap... l.cush... You're amazing... I've heistated to write about you in my blog, cuz there's so much I'm not sure of, but I know I am sure of that you've helped me so much... And I know I'm a handful to deal with, and joke around a lot, but I really appreciate you and everything you've done for me... Thank you...

Hm... I really shouldn't have deleted that first part, because now it doesn't really make sense... I was just typing about how more shit went wrong, and then blah blah blah... I'm stupid, blah blah blah... And yeah... half way through I realized I was typing the usual pathetic crap that skims the surface of my life... so then I stopped... And realized how pathetic I am, and stopped... Does the above part make sense now? Meh... whatever... lol... OMG!!! I LOVE THE ACE ENDERS SONG!!! Okay, done with blog...

What The Fuck Am I Doing Wrong?

2009-03-16T04:59:00.000-07:00

I don't get it... really... What do I have to do to get a break... No matter what, I always get fucked over in the end. No matter how many times I help people, no matter how many times I put others before I'm the one that gets the short end of the stick... I'm the one that gets fucked over time and time and time again... WHY!? I really want to know the fucking answer to that question... WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO BE HAPPY... TO NOT GET FUCKED OVER... I'm at my wit's end... And it hurts to know the extent I go to help people and in return... fucking nothing... No, not nothing... I get something alright... BULLSHIT! Fucked up bullshit... Thanks a fuckin' lot... Is it some divine power that's forcing this black cloud to hover over me every fucking day... I'm fucking sick of it... I just want to know what the fuck I have to do (or stop doing) that will result in me feeling even a sliver of happiness... Fuck...

The Past Couple Days...

2009-03-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at my computer... bored... Blah... I haven't posted a blog in a few days, so let's see... what's happened...

Oh! Laughlin, Nevada. STAY AWAY! What a waste of 2 days from my life... Went to a supposed "family friendly casino" with my dad and sister. It was a 5 hour drive, and once we got there, everything seemed cool, and it looked like it was going to be a fun time. Then once we entered the casino the "family friendly" environment diminished. You couldn't do anything unless you were at least 21. And, HAHA! so ridiculous when I think about it, but no joke... You could only leave your only 2 places to be was either your hotel room or your car. You couldn't walk any where... I take that back... they had an arcade room, but who's gonna be in an arcade all day, especially when they're 20... I couldn't even attend a stand-up comedy event, cuz I wasn't 21... How dirty are the jokes to where you have to be 21... Ridiculous!!! But whatever... We ended up leaving a day early, so it wasn't too bad...

Then Harley-Davidson contacted me about the bike... I could go and fill out the paper work, and get the bike... SWEET! I asked if they were interested in buying the bike and they said yes, they'll price is then call me back... The bike runs at around $16,000... Check this out... They wanted to buy it off me for $9,000... HA!!! I know it's free money regardless, but give me a break... I told them NO THANK YOU, so we're selling it to my neighbor for $13,500 WOOHOO!!! All good news... yeah, but then yesterday... I had to blow off all my plans cuz we were waiting for them to call to tell us when to come fill out the papers, and they never did... So the same thing happened today, and NOTHING... Hey Harley-Davidson... Fuck you... :)

Um... my ex texted me out of nowhere, we hung out... maybe we shouldn't have... I didn't think anything of it at first, oh... she's upset, she needs someone to vent to, but... I don't know... I don't think it was fair to the guy she's with... We didn't "do" anything, but if i had a girlfriend and we had an argument, I wouldn't want her to go run to her ex... So I don't know...

And that's about it... yup

Ace Enders - When I Hit The Ground awesome song... go download it...
Fired Up! funny ass movie... go watch it...

Realization

2009-03-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

Holy shit... look at me here blabbing about all my misfortunes in life and why? Who the fuck reads this shit anyways? But do I care no... and why? Because do I really have any real problems, hell no... I'm fuckin' peachy... No one else has problems, so why the fuck should I... Come on sun! Shine in through my window and brighten up my day!

FUCK YOU!

Thursday - Monday

2009-03-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

Planned to have a good night. Hanging out with my closest friends and watching the midnight viewing of Watchmen. Showed up 2 hours early to get a seat. Attempted to find a seat 3 times but was denied due to the fact that it was "taken." Whatever... there were plenty of seats, so I was able to find an empty "unassigned" seat... So as I sat there I couldn't help but feel out of place as every time I sparked up a conversation I was almost looked down on for even speaking. But whatever... So the layout was supposed to be Alley, Me, Dale, Kevin, Earick, and Wilmer in the 6 seats in the back of the theater. Then Alex comes and takes Alley's spot and is 100% determined not to move. But it's okay cuz Alley says she's not coming. Then 10 minutes before the movie starts she changes her mind. And instead of getting out of her seat, Alex has his mind set to not budge. So fuck it, I moved... All the way to the front, oh boy, what a friend I am. I then proceeded to watch a 2 and a half hour mediocre movie by myself. After the move was over I immediately took off, went home, and went to bed. I prolly won't do something like that with them again...

I wake up at 4 in the morning to catch my 6 o'clock plane ride to Oregon. My mom and dad plan to move to Oregon in 4 years to retire. My mom decided one day to start 4 years early, and went up there. My mission was to go get her and bring her back. I also went to see Martha... I had it in my mind if i saw her we would fall in love all over again, but... Martha was the one who picked me up at the airport, and I could tell from the look in her eyes she felt nothing for me. The weekend I could sum up to crying/drinking/laughing/sleeping... For so long I thought she still loved me, but after seeing her... All the love she ever had for me died. And it hurts... But now I know there's no reason for me to love her, cuz she will never love me again... I hope she's happy... Her birthday is this Wednesday... Happy Birthday Martha...

Back to my mom... During this trip I lost my mom. I really feel like I no longer have a mom... My mom is manipulated very easily, and I needed to get her away from everyone else to cloud her judgment. And after talking to her, I wish I never came. I told her how much we all miss her and want her back, and without a care or worry or remorse she just shrugged her shoulders and said things like "No you don't" .. "I hate my life with you guys" .. "I'll come visit when I feel like it" .. Visit? Home is where you live... your vising Oregon... The night before I wanted to come over, but she was playing Bingo at her sisters house. I asked if I could come over to see her (I haven't seen her in 3 months) and she fed me excuse and excuse and I finally asked her "Mom, are you choosing a game over your own son?" and she said "Yes" and started laughing... Goodbye mom... I love you...

Upon coming back to Cali, my dad told me that my motorcycle is in, so I can pick it up whenever I want... Maybe I'll go in tomorrow... He also told me he wants to take me and my sister to Laughlin, Nevada for the weekend... Why not? I need to get away. I've lost everything so fast, and I'm not sure what to do anymore... I love Martha... I love my mom... I love my friends... I love Fatty... I love Toby... And I know it won't stop. More and more will be taken from me... But why? What have I done that's so bad to where I have to be tormented by these loses and suffer over and over again... I try so hard to help out so many people... If you're my friend I'm sure I've helped you out many times, without question. I'm not perfect and don't claim to even be close to it, but I put others before myself more than I should, yet I'm the one that gets treated like I step on other people... Why?

I want to say I'm sorry for whatever I've done, but how is that a sincere apology if I don't know what I'm apologizing for... I wish I knew...

Am I Making A Mistake?

2009-03-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

...

Another Dream

2009-02-28T17:46:00.000-08:00

After 5 days they came back... I finally thought they were gone... Why do they have to be so real? When I used to have dreams when I was younger, I'd be talking to animals and jumping over houses, but now... They're so vivid and real... And bring back so many memories... I try to take 1 step forward, but these dreams put me 10 steps back... I see her smile... I hear her laugh... I feel her soft touch... I taste her sweet lips... I smell the Glammorazzi perfume I bought her for Christmas... And then I crack... I break down... All while she's 1,000 miles away... happy... with him...

I've never felt so empty
So hurt
So unsure of what to do
Where to go
How to act and react to all of this
I've never felt this pathetic in my entire life

The Convo. The End.

2009-02-23T17:02:00.000-08:00

— Ok. Well im sorry for bugging you so much... I swear i'll leave you alone... IM probably making this hard on you. Im really sorry

— I'm hurt. And I can't believe you'd ever do this

— I know i'm sorry...

— How can you say your sorry... You left me... Never gave me a chance... Just goodbye

— K. Well then i don't know what to say. I feel like dying

— Why did you leave me? For him so soon... We had so much together... You knew him for days... And chose him over me... And when i thought you could see what you did, you still rather be with him... And i'm crushed... I feel like dying... And when i needed you... You took off with him... I was crying so hard cuz it hurts me so bad... I've felt like my heart and chest is caved in every single day... I love you and can't believe you'd do this

— What do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave you alone and never talk to you again?

— I did and gave you everything i could... I tried to be perfect... Yes i messed up.. You messed up too.. He messes up... But you broke my heart... And rubbed in in... And replaced me so fast

— K.

— I want you to want me... To remember everything we had and how much i meant to you...

— I know how much you meant to me...

— You miss me... You know you do... A part of you still wants to be with me... Think of how we'd be if you never went to camp... He would have never been in your life and we'd be happy...

— I know... But not entirely happy... I'd be lonely and you'd be having the time of your life in cali while i was here hurting missing you and feeling like shit

— I still mean the same to you... I love you... You love me... You care about me...

— I know. You still mean a lot to me...

— Your lonely still... He's not always there... And when he is there He's not always there cuz There's certain things he puts before you... That's why you call me... I love you... It killed me when i wasn't with you... I was lonely too... Like i am now... But you don't care cuz now your having the time of your life... We had evetything planned out... We had over 2 years together... And left like in the blink of an eye... Then rubbed it in... What happened you? You loved me... You cared... Now you hate me and i don't know why cuz i did everything i could to makr you happy...

— I don't hate you and im sorry for rubbing it in...

— Why did you choose him over me... After everything you told me... After everything we did... After everything we had?

— I don't know... Pretty stupid of me, probably why i did it. Cuz im a dumb bitch

— Everytime you needed me i was there... No matter what, when, where, how, why... Even when he wasn't... Even when he isn't... What did i do to deserve this

— I don't know what to say... I don't know what I can say... I don't know what I can say...

— Why him? Just why... I was your prince... Your pooh bear... Your mister noodle... Now i'm dead to you and he's your everything... I don't understand

— It didn't send all the way

— Then come back... Take me back... Let me be your everything again... I want you... I can't live without you... I want to love you care for you for the rest of my life... Let me... Love me

— Hello? I didn't get the whole text

— I was good to you... You make me out to be a selfless asshole to make you and him believe he's so much better... I've given and sacrifised so much for you... Was there for you... Did everything i could... I've put more into you and our relationship than he will ever be able to... He love's you... Nice way of showing it... I did more than saying it... I showed it... For 2 and a half years and counting... I'm really tired of comparing myself to him cuz allthat you say is i don't know him and whatever... Fine... But i hope you see... Everything i've done for you... I loved you... I cared... And none of it matters to you but i hope someday you will

— I hope that someday you can forgive me for this... I don't expect you to and i know you don't even think im truly sorry but i am... And i don't have a single doubt in my mind that you didn't give it your all or love me with all your heart cuz i know you did and i know how hard this is for you and im extremly sorry... I don't think i'll ever feel worse about something than i do about this... I'm sorry pooh bear

— He'll never be me... He can kiss your hand like i used to do but it won't be my lips... You can hit him when you see an out of state license plate, butit's won't be my shoulder... You can make love to him, but when you look up it won't be my face... And it hurts me that your okay with that... The pain i feel is unbearable and you'll never understand how much you hurt me... You not only left me, but you hot with him a day after... And told me and him you didn't care about me anymore... And then you send me the picture... How can you tell me you didn't mean to hurt me when you clearly did? I really didn't understand what i did to deserve this from you... What i did for you to tear me apart limb from limb and break my heart into a thousand pieces... And i hope your flying in the cluds cuz with how you treated me i sure in the hell hope your feeling pure ecstacy.. Cuz i did everything i could to make you happy.. And you told me you were...

— Ok. Fine. You win. Your right im wrong like always ok. Bye.

— It's not even like it... But take it how you want it... I just don't see why your with him and not me... Explain it to me... I need to understand... Tell me why him

— Cuz he's here for me... I love him, he loves me. We understand each other and need each other. He knows why i feel like shit randomly. He goes through the same things. We easily communicate with each other... God brought him into my life to help me... I need him...

— K

— It's not your fault that you weren't those things for me... You tried... I know you did

— Just stop

— K. Sorry. Bye.

— I fucking hate you... Don't ever talk to me again... Have a fantastic life with your "miracle"... You hurt me... And i will never forgive you for what you've done... I'm dying and it's never felt so good to know i'm dying alone... Goodbye and i never want to hear from you again

5 hours later, I get a text from a "concerned parent" telling me to stop harassing Martha and her boyfriend... isn't life grand!

Bitch Or No Bitch?

2009-02-20T23:59:00.000-08:00

I've seen so many situations where a person has got the living crap beat out of them, but when they're asked what happened, they say they won. No one wants to be called a bitch. But what's a bitch? If you're standing toe-to-toe with someone willing and able to "get down" and lose... are you still a bitch? If you're too scared to fight are you a bitch? Who knows... But I know I've never backed down from a fight. I've been in a few, but never once have a backed down, and I've almost gotten into 20 or more. So in that situation, who's the bitch? The other person for not wanting to, or me for not backing down, but not forcing the fight by taking the first punch?

Tonight I had brought 3 drinks to my friends house. I drank the first one, and put the other 2 in the freezer. Someone came over and tried to take it. I told him to put it back, and he wouldn't, so I got more stern about it. Eventually he did, but the tension had started from then and lasted the whole night. He tried to squeeze in smart remarks to piss me off, but I ignored him. Then I went to go get my last beer and it was gone. I asked him if he took it, and he denied it. I asked again and he said "I didn't, but if I did, what's up?" So I asked him again if he did, he said, "No, I didn't, but if I did, I'd tell you straight up." So I let it go. Am I a bitch for letting the subject go when fully knowing the only one that could have took was him? Is he the bitch for not admitting to it to step up and see the outcome? Why did I let it go? Because I didn't think of the now. We fight I win/I lose, the end. I thought of the future.

We fight I win... The house gets trashed... My face gets bashed either way... I have to explain what happened... Bad blood is gonna be between my friends who sided with him and my friends who sided with me... The list goes on, and on...

We fight I lose... The house gets trashed... My face gets bashed... I have to get picked up off the floor... Bad blood is gonna be between my friends who sided with me and my friends who sided with him... the list goes on, and on...

I feel I'm not a bitch. I didn't back down, but I didn't fight. Because I realized a missing beer isn't worth all the consequences that would follow... A lot of people won't agree with me, and I think you all are the real bitches. Don't get me wrong, in some situations it's worth the risk, and by all means I would have cracked that dude in the face, but this time it wasn't, and I stand by my decision 100%...

I still miss her...

Operation Schedule: FAILURE

2009-02-19T17:18:00.000-08:00

What was a thinking? I can try as hard as I want, but she'll never escape my mind... I woke up at 8:00 today, but went back to sleep cuz I had a dream about her and didn't want to get up. I finally woke up at 9:30, in time to make it to my Human Sexuality class. She called me. I bit my lip and didn't budge to answer it. Then she called again. I knew something had to be wrong, so I jetted out of class, and listened to the voice mails she left. Rewind to yesterday, I had made the decision that she'd be better off without me. I told her goodbye, and though it hurt me more than I could explain, all I want is for her to happy, and with the situation she's in, all I was doing was hurting her. I have so many emotions inside I want to tell her, but can't bring myself to cuz it would tear her apart, and make her feel too guilty to even speak to me again. So I stuff it down. FFW to today. I listen to the messages and she's crying telling me how she misses me, and all the things we used to do, and how bad she wanted to see me. I couldn't help it, I immediately called her, and we talked. She wanted me to come up to Oregon to see her. To sweep her off her feet. To be with her again. Then somewhere between the crying and reminiscing, it all changed. She told me she was sorry for calling, then hung up. I called back, talked to her, and I could tell you every little detailed that went on, but the bottom line is... She regretted calling and telling me what she did because she didn't mean it. I put down my guard, opened myself up, let in the feelings of optimism, and then BAM! it was ripped away from me yet again. You'd think by now that I've learned, but to tell you the truth, I'd fall for it every time, I can't help it. I couldn't really concentrate the rest of the day. I had it in my mind to go to Glory Days, and Border's, and all that, but remembered I had my friends concert to go to tonight, and basically my schedule fell apart. How can you live by a schedule when nothing is ever set in stone. You could have your mind set on going to a movie, but if your car breaks down, it's not going to happen. Screw it... I have no choice but to live everyday day by day. Whatever happens happens. Everything happens for a reason. The problem is, I can't do anything without seeing her. It'll be a month tomorrow. And everyday for the past month, I've thought, dreamed and cried about her... And I don't see it getting better anytime soon. But at least she's happy right?

Schedule

2009-02-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

For the longest time, I always wanted to have a weekly tradition with friends. Weekly traditions? you ask... Well, my dad... every Monday, he used to go with friends from his work to a bar to watch Monday Night Football. Every Thursday, mt cousins would go to this sports bar to eat and watch TV. I always thought that was cool, to look forward to a certain once a week to just get away from school, and parents, and stress, and ex girlfriends... To just sit down, and hangout with your friends. Yeah... that hasn't really seemed to work, cuz my friends never have an exact day open because of work, school, personal situations... But I won't let that stop me. I'm going to try it, but in a different aspect... Even after almost a month... I've been having a really crappy time dealing with this whole Martha situation... It still hurts and always will, and I just feel that to get my mind off of it, I should think about other things. So I wanna try to live my life (as of now) on a scheduled basis and see how it goes. I spend more time doing nothing than something, and when I do nothing, my mind wanders... And I think of her... and yeah... So I'm going to try and live my life according to a weekly schedule. Tomorrow:

THURSDAY 02/19/2008
8:00 AM- Wake up/Shower
8:30 AM- Leave for school
9:00 AM- Economics class
10:30 AM- Human Sexuality class
12:00 PM- Lunch
1:00 PM- Math class
3:00 PM- English class
5:00 PM- Head home
6:00 PM- Dollar Hamburgers at Glory Days
7:30 PM- Borders
8:30 PM- Coffee Bean
9:00 PM- Freetime

Premonition vs. Paranoia

2009-02-17T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in previous entries, but when me and Martha were together... just randomly out of the blue, I'd get an awkward feeling, which usually resulted in her wanting to break up the next day... No, not the fact that she started acting weird, at times, we wouldn't even be talking, I'd be eating dinner, and get that feeling and call her right away... I'd ask her if anything was wrong, she'd deny it... ask her again, deny, ask, deny... Then either later that night or the next day, she admit she was falling out of love me, or that she was keeping something from me... We'd work things out, and yeah yeah, but the whole point is the "weird" feeling... I feel it now... And I just have a weird feeling something bad is gonna happen to me... something BIG... Maybe it's just me taking things to excessive measures, but I don't know... I hope it's just my brain over thinking things... but what if it's not... I guess we'll just have to wait and see right...

This Past Week...

2009-02-15T14:25:00.000-08:00

Long time no blog... I wish I could fill this entire post with how everything changed and how happy I am, but I can't. Nothing that I wanted to change did, but everything I wasn't expecting did.

I was on the Price is Right and won a motorcycle. I went up there and was so nervous, and when you spin the wheel Drew asks if you want to say hi to anyone, and I said "Hi mom, dad, Holly, Jeremy, Joel, and all my friends." I wish I could go back, cuz in my head there were millions of people I wanted to say something to... "Earick, HAHA! Should have came!" ... "Mark, I know you know all the right prices" ... and "Martha... I love you..." And I still regret not saying it... I don't know why. Part of me tells me why give her the time of day? and I don't know why... It just bugs me.

My ferret died. He was old, and lived a long time. It's sad that he's gone, cuz it was something we all knew was coming. He got slower, and slept more and more each day. His name was Fatty, and he's gonna be missed. R.I.P. Fatty.

There's so much I want to type about Martha... but I don't see the point. It doesn't do any good. I'm hurt, she's happy... I miss her. I'm pathetic. El fin.

To whoever reads this... Your gonna fight and disagree, but in the end your true friends will always be there for you. It sucks that a situation like this opened my eyes to that, but it did, so I wanted to thank every friend I have that's been there for me these past couple weeks (some more than others), but you know who you are. Thanks.

Too Good To Be True

2009-01-28T21:54:00.000-08:00

I didn't go to sleep last night. I stayed up trying to get my mind off stuff by making a MySpace layout for a friend... Finally at 8 AM in the morning I decided to hit the sack. I woke up at 10:30 PM, and like my usual routine, I check my phone. 4 messages from Martha. She misses me, she dedicates "Broken" by Secondhand Serenade to me, she's sorry for everything she's done. Every sad/depressed/upset/negative fiber in my body instantly was lifted off my chest... But I stopped. Something felt wrong, did her new boyfriend steal her phone? Is she trying to get a rise out of me? I asked her and she told me those messages were meant for me. Today we would have been together for 2 years and 6 months... so I figured the day struck her, and she missed me, and wanted me back... Typing this blog 12 hours later... You don't realize how badly I wish that that was the case. We spent a few hours texting eachother... reliving old memories... talking about our feelings... and then she said it... "I still love you." Something still didn't feel right... thoughts in the back of my head kept telling me, "Don't be so sure..." "Don't be so optimistic..." She told me that she wasn't sure about him and her... she feels a certain way, but she's not sure he feels the same... IT'S BEEN A WEEK!!! It hurts me so bad even typing it... but I'm trying to get these thoughts off my chest... I typed a long text message to her telling her how I felt about her... how much I love her, and miss her, and care about her... and it seemed like she was falling for me again... then it all changed. She started bringing up rough times in our relationship, pointing out how she loved me so much, but I let her down... And from then on out, it was me trying to defend myself. It seemed like she took back everything she said earlier in the day... She loves him more than she ever loved me... But I tried to convince her she's all that matters to me, and I'd do everything in my power to make her happy... But it felt like I was talking to a wall... Things settled... and I asked a few questions that I really regret asking... I'm not gonna type them, because I'm hoping I forget... I'm so hurt... I opened myself up today, and then was slammed in the chest by a sledge hammer... But it's my mistake... I should have listened to my instincts... But I dug deeper and deeper hoping I'd find something I thought was there... but was let down even more. I'm emotionally back where I started... I feel like she left me all over again... it's so hard to keep my composure... and I'm scared... I haven't eaten a meal in over a week... I've lost 12 pounds... I don't feel healthy... I'm constantly feeling woosie... I'm killing myself... while the both of them have a huge smile on their face... What am I doing to myself?

My Worst Mistake Or My Best Decision?

2009-01-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

Everything happens for a reason. It's going to be tough, but I'm going to let life take its course... Last night I made an attempt to get a hold of Martha to let her know my position on everything... She in return sent me a picture of her and her new boyfriend kissing... If a girl ever reads this, which I highly doubt, beings only 1 guy reads this... I'm sure she feels that Martha had every right to send me that picture... It's what I deserve for not letting her go. Whether you agree or disagree with what she did, I feel it was ruthless. She in return felt it was rude. At least that what she texted me saying. Her boyfriend had "peer-pressured" her into doing it. She told him that she wanted to be friends with me, and he said it was alright even though he knew I would try to get her back. She needs permission to talk to people. Never... EVER in the 2 and a half years we were going out did I tell her who she should and shouldn't talk to... And that's what she wants? Anyways... I told her upfront that yes... I couldn't help but try to get her back, so I decided that we should never talk again. I told her I would want nothing more than for her to text me or call me but only if I was more or if she wanted me to be more than a friend. I told her I couldn't take back everything I gave her, cuz the best way for me to deal with this is to put her in the back of my mind... I won't lie, there will always be a part of me that hopes and prays she'll come back, but with how far she's gone to hurt me... Even if she regained feelings for me, I don't think she'd tell me... I told her all I wanted back was the phone and the key to my house. I told her to please not contact me, but she did asking me if she can keep the phone... that I can cancel the plan, but if she could keep the phone. I don't know what to do... She never liked that phone... It's basically broke, the only reason I think she wants it is for the memory card on the phone and all the pictures she probably took of her and him on it... I feel like saying screw it... keep the phone have fun... but I don't even want to think about it... I feel so sick to my stomach... Since Tuesday, I've probably had 3 mouth fulls of food... I'm not hungry, and when I force myself to get something in, my stomach turns... I'm hoping all this will pass... All I have is my faith and my sliver of optimism that she will some back, and maybe that's what's doing me in...

Turning Over A New Leaf

2009-01-22T21:46:00.000-08:00

I made the last post white... if you want to read it highlight over it... I can't stand to read it cuz it just brings it back...

Lately I've been feeling weird... I can't seem to describe it. My arm goes numb... my palms start to sweat, my heart beat races, I get light headed... I went to the doctors before and they told me that it might be an anxiety attack... But why? Until now I had no worries... I was getting my life back on track, I still had my girlfriend, didn't have a job to worry about, had more money than I needed... Nothing was wrong. He checked my heart and told me I had... I forgot what it was called (also that's something else... my memory isn't holding up as well as it used to)... but anyways, he said I had extra space in one of my heart valves... But something tells me it's not my heart... I think it's my brain. Your brain is powerful, it can make you see, think, hear, smell, feel things that aren't there... The numbness... the memory loss... the headaches... Maybe something in my brain is even triggering random panic attacks.. I don't know, but I'm going to the doctors on Feb. 5th, and hopefully I'll get some answers... I haven't been able to deal with it since my birthday on Sept. 10th of last year because I wasn't in school and didn't have a full time job, so I had no insurance... Now that I do, I'm making sure that whatever is wrong with me, I know what it is. It scares me...

My worst and greatest fear is death, and to go along with me being a hypochondriac... it doesn't help that I always think I'm dying... But some things aren't coincidence. As of late I don't believe in coincidences anymore... I believe everything happens for a reason. For along time I pushed away God. Mostly because of how people portrayed him. I believe God created us, but there are things careless about. A boxer who wins the title "God was on my side tonight." No, you got a lucky punch and won. A baby is born handicapped, and it's "God's fault", no... the mother did drugs while she was pregnant with him. My cousin is pregnant and she smokes constantly, and no one cares to tell her to stop. When I first saw it, I had the impression that she smoked only when she had intense urges... once every 2 weeks, but no... She smokes like a smoker... a pack a day... Disgusting... I'm straying away from the subject, but the bottom line for me is I was to invest all of myself into Jesus Christ. For too long I've turn my shoulder to him, and wouldn't care or think there would be any consequences for my sins, but now I see there are. I believe there are no coincidences, therefor I believe God took Martha away from me because of my ways. This is my punishment for turning my back on God, and I think if I can somehow change my ways, and be a better Christian, God will bless my life, and bring Martha back to me. I want her more than anything... but if God feels it's not my will to have her, she's not a part of my destiny on earth, I will still have the passion, compassion, and faith with my God. I pray to him that he will bring Martha back to me, that he will show her the happiness and joy we shared, and show her the way back to me. I know her boyfriend just views her as a "hot older girlfriend" and he has no comprehension of how beautiful she is both inside and out. But I do, I love her. I love God, and I trust in what God has planned for me, I just hope and pray that God's plan for me is to be with, start a family, and grow old with the love of my life...

Wonder What's Next...

2009-01-20T21:49:00.000-08:00

Today my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me.

On Saturday, she went to a church camp and was there until Monday. She had met a guy there named Hunter... a 15 year old that lives an hour away from her house. She told me that she had feelings for him and she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, and just be friends with me. I tried my hardest to convince her that she was making a pretty ridiculous decision, but she didn't want to hear anything I was saying.

At this point, I don't know what to do... with the death of my rabbit not too long ago, now this... I'm depressed. I love her so much. 2 and a half years is a long time, and to through it all away for someone she knew for 2 days. How well can you know someone in 2 days... you can't. I don't wanna give up, I want to keep trying, but she seems so set on doing this, I feel there's no point in even attempting... Call this blog and even me EMO is you want, but this is true life. This shit happens. Gangsters get dumped and heartbroken, label me and this blog all you want, but this is real life. My life. I feel torn up inside, I'm scared cuz now I have no one. My life and future was laid out with her. All the time and money I invested in her and this relationship was, in the end, for nothing. I hear everyone say "I'll never get over her, she was the one..." even I've said that in the past about ex's, but her... she was the one... And even if I do find someone else, I'm afraid because I know that no one will ever be like her. I remember when I was maybe 8 or 9, me and my sister were playing, and we both wrote a list of the perfect girlfriend./boyfriend. And I remember what I wrote stuck with me, even to this day. And she... she met every single criteria on that list. I can't let her go, I need to do something. I don't want to be desperate, but I am... I'm in love with her.

We'd always tell each other we'd love each other "forever and for always"... just like every couple, I know... I don't know... I really don't... It's hard to keep it together... to even type this... I just needed to let it out, to see if it would help, but it makes it worse. Fuck my life. My pet dies... my relationship dies... Wonder what's next...

B.B.

2009-01-14T18:45:00.000-08:00

I remember it like yesterday... 4th grade, Mr. R's class... We were aloud to pick any book we wanted to read. I chose Shilo. One of my favorite books until of course... I grew up, but none the less. Since reading it, I've always had my mind set on owning a Beagle. FFW 15 years to a few months ago. I was in Oregon hanging out with my girlfriend. We were talking over our plans for the future... school, job, a home... and then it hit me... I'M GOING TO BUY A BEAGLE! At my house down here in California, we already have too many... a dog, two cats, two lizards, a ferret, two rabbits, and countless fish... of course that's now, we used to have another ferret, two rats, and two guinea pigs... but anyways... I figured since I'm going to be on my own, I can get a dog for me... So I got right on it, looking online, at pet stores, yellow pages, white pages, green pages, red pages... every and anywhere I could think of... Then! I found Bobcat Pets who had two 4 month old Beagles, a boy and a girl... I got in my car and raced over there as fast as I could. The girl looked just like Shilo but the boy didn't. FFW to check-out... I chose the boy! We named it B.B. and even though he didn't look like Shilo, he was still my little Beagle Baby.

I hate that dog. I truly mean it... I despise him... I would sell him, but then I'd regret sending him to a home where he'd be living in a good enviorment and treated nicely.

Tonight he killed my rabbit, Toby. Toby was a son of a bitch... always biting my wires and pooping all over the house, but he's been with us long enough to be a part of the family. B.B. would chase him all over the house because Beagle's are hunting dogs, but we'd yell at him, and tap his butt and tell him no. For a short while he had stopped, we thought he'd got the picture, but while me and my dad were shopping, he was home alone with the rabbit, and when we got home, laying on the floor, mangled with his eyes still open... was my dead rabbit. Fuck you B.B.

The Aftermath

2009-01-10T21:18:00.000-08:00

So we had the jam session... Took a while to set up, and once we set up, we kinda went blank with what to do... It was Joel on drums, Earick on guitar, and me on bass. After a while, I let Joel and Earick take over, and they jammed pretty good together. We really should do it again sometime, but come in with a game plan. FFW>> Me and Earick // Earick and I get some Coffee Bean, and we talk about random stuff like a time machine that blew up and crap... Now I'm home about to go to bed... OH! Funny story... I was on the phone with my girlfriend on my way back from dropping off Earick, and she made a grunting sound, and I asked her what it was, and she told me she had spilt something... and I said "No... I bet some guy is eating you out!" and she replies with, "WOW! No..." and I asked her if anyone heard me, and she said her parents (who are deep hardcore Christians). Because her phone is broke and she can only hear if it's on speaker phone... So I hung up... sucks... Whatever... I'm done.

As Today Goes...

2009-01-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

So today is jam session day. Sweet! But who knows... maybe some one will flake... who know? Anyways.. I've recently come back from Oregon, so I have all my stuff piled in my room, so I need to clean it, and it sucks. My sister has her huge dresser in my room because she was living in here while I was gone. Anyways... I think I shall return to cleaning, and give you an update on how the junt junt went.

First Post

2009-01-10T03:12:00.000-08:00

Hello. Well I haven't had a blog in over 5 years. Nothing much has happened much since then... girlfriends came and went... friends came and went... birthdays... graduation... all the usual stuff that occurs during and after high school. Now college... which starts next tuesday... woohoo... can't wait. Actually I can. I despise college. If your reading this and aren't in college yet, then heed my warning... DO NOT GO TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE!!! It is a waste of money and time. You'll spend 3 years taking classes you don't need that the government demands you take to be a "well-rounded" student. Screw that. Your well rounded coming out of high school. For example... I wish to major in Business, yet I have to take 3 years of "general ed's" just to transfer to a University and finally take the courses I need for my major. Anthropology? Biology? History of Reconstruction? A tremendous waste of time. I'm noticing as I type, I'm not getting a red underline letting me know I misspelled a word... bummer, I guess there's gonna be a bunch...

Well anyways... onto today, since this is today's blog... Wow... I took a second to think of what I was gonna type about today... and a lot of stuff happened today... So I'll just do a FFW version of it... I woke up at 6:30 because I had to go to court today, went to court, got screwed into paying a fine I shouldn't have to... Almost hit a girl, ran a red light, ate pho, took $1,000 out of my account to pay my dad back, he didn't take the money, went to Fingerprints and bought 3 CD's (ones stuck in my CD player and won;t come out... another really sucks and I wasted $1.99 on it), bought snacks, went to sleep because I had eaten too much pho, woke up, watched TV, went to Denny's with my friends [GEA], came home, heard about this site from my friend, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then... typed this up... TA-DA! Now I'm going to continue to illegally download music (just kidding)... just kidding about just kidding... no really just kidding, just kidding.... AND THEN EAT CANDY!!! Good night folks!